And the blood rushes

Holy moly I hate winter.  Dogs are OK by me though. I don’t mind dogs.  I also like big swelling musical crescendoes. And owls.  Mini-sandwiches, I do not have often enough.  Open-mouth kissing.  I hate letting my car warm up.  Just be warm already, would you, car? I mean geez.  What is up with how many different ways people can see you?  I mean, some people in my life see me as, for lack of a better word, “really cool”, while an equally valid contingent see me as “kinda OK” and as just kinda a regular old guy.  A few people have me on amazingly high pedestals, while a few people actually hate me and think I’m a shit-head.  How is this possible? I suspect it is like this for most people.  I always enjoy clipping my toenails.  State flags are rad. Even more rad are county flags.  Salt and pepper on white rice.  The concept of the voodoo doll is neat, but thank goodness they’re not real. I mean, thank goodness!  I am continually annoyed by the very obvious way the sports media manipulates statistics to make things seem more dramatic, like we won’t notice (we don’t). Like, “Golden State has only beat the Lakers twice since 2009.”  First, 2009 wasn’t very long ago!  They always do this, say a year rather than “three years ago”, hoping you won’t do the math.  Secondly, why did we stop getting info at 2009?  The answer is almost always that the stat stops being impressive any further back. Maybe Golden State beat them four times in 2008 alone.  It’s bullshit manipulation.  You know, at first, I couldn’t understand paying money for my radio, but now I can’t foresee a future when I don’t have SiriusXM.  Sure, I can now get a lot of what I get there from Podcasts, but there is also a ton of live stuff that you can’t get any other way.  It is totally worth it.  I used to like frogs a lot but now I don’t give a shit about frogs.  My apologies to everyone who has bought me frog shit over the years.  The song “Relly’s Dream” by Band of Horses is what my life sounds like to me, while I’m asleep.  Pigeons eating seed on a sidewalk, lightning on the horizon while you’re driving at night, an ex-girlfriend walking past you without comment but still smelling the same as always, and the blood rushes, and the blood rushes.

Ten Mini-Memoirs

1.  The first concert I ever went to was 80s superstar Tiffany.  I remember being very excited, despite not really knowing who she was or what was going on.  I went with my mother and my sister; it was at The Forum in Harrisburg.  This is one of those memories that consists of just a few details and sensory portraits. Bright, colorful lights.  Standing on the cushioned chair.  So many people. 

2.  I’ve always thought that somehow I got my love of Dr. Pepper from my Grandma Allie, though I do not know where this belief comes from.  I have never seen her drink it, not does she ever have any at her house.  But I have a flash of a memory:  my family, on vacation in Ocean City, Maryland.  Grandma and I, somehow, are alone in the hotel room.  I am very young.  We are sitting at the dining room table together, discussing (to my memory) two things:  how much my allowance is, and Dr. Pepper.  On the table with us is a sweating, lovely crimson 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper.  This small, insignificant memory has forever welded Grandma Allie and Dr. Pepper together for me.

3.  I lost my virginity in the Subaru Legacy station wagon that had been passed down to me from my mother, on a dirt road in the far, far out country of Perry County, Pennsylvania, at the age of 16.  The rap album Regulate by Warren G. was playing, and I was 16 years old.  The car smelled of vanilla car air freshener.  I had one of those tree-shaped air fresheners hanging from the volume knob of the radio.  I used a green condom, for reasons unknown.

4.  My dad and I used to go to Harrisburg Senators games all the time.  They are the minor league baseball team for that city.  I remember very little of the games themselves.  What I remember most is the arrival and the departure, but especially the departure.  We’d usually leave early if the result was clear, so we walked past all the seated fans, then out to a largely empty parking lot.  Then, inside Dad’s car, he’d tune into the AM station broadcasting the Senator’s game.  The combination of drying sweat, kicking-in air conditioning, the calming sounds of a radio-broadcasted baseball game, and often gloaming sunset light—well, things don’t get much better than that, at any age, I dare say.

5.  I went on a vacation to Vermont with my friend Brock’s family, when Brock and I were teenagers.  At the time, it seemed like a pretty boring vacation, compared to my family’s beach vacations.  We stayed at a sleepy lake town called Lake Rescue, in a very posh cabin.  It all must have been very expensive.  Nowadays, it’s just the kind of vacation I’d like to take—grilling delicious meat on the stained-oak deck overlooking the sun setting over the lake, lazy days canoeing, hiking the flat trails, falling asleep to the sound of ducks diving for food.  At the time, though, Brock and I were miserably bored, though we did invent a sport called Twizzling, the rules of which I have long since forgotten.

6.  My first real drink of alcohol—other than a few sips of champagne at somebody’s wedding sometime—was what the kids call a “40” (a 40-ounce bottle of Malt Liquor) and a few Zimas.  I was 16.  It was at the apartment of an adult who I did not know, but who knew one of my friends.  He supplied us the alcohol.  We just sat around, consuming, and it was frankly a little boring.  I didn’t feel much.  After completing my allotment of Zimas, I asked the adult friend-of-a-friend if he could go back to the bar (which was just across the street) and buy me “a beer”, which I thought might put me over some sort of edge.  I didn’t know you couldn’t just buy one can of beer, and I got laughed at.  I wouldn’t have my “a-ha moment” with alcohol until the second time I drank it, though I usually combine these two stories for a more powerful “alcoholic’s first drink” story, but that version is not true.  The bar where the adult frind-of-a-friend bought the alcohol went out of business and recently became a pizza shop, less than a block from my last apartment in Carlisle.  I used to go there for pizza all the time.

7.  I have had sex in the projection room of a movie theater.

8.  While I have never been a grade-A athlete, there were, for a time, things I excelled at, though none of them were of any use to me in organized sports.  I was very good at gym class type things, like floor hockey.  At my high school, we played a lot of a specific type of dodgeball called “bombardment”, and I was freaking amazing at bombardment.  Two years running, it was offered as a ‘club’ (a fun class of your choosing you had once a week) and I took it, along with my more athletically-skewing pals.  We were on a team called the Pussycats, and we dominated for the entire two years it was offered as a club, winning all 4 championships (2 a year).  The only thing is, the first championship we won, I cheated.  I had been hit by a ball, and no one saw it, and I didn’t tell anyone, and I was the last man standing for our team.  So if I’d have been honest, we would have lost.

9.  I once saw my sister fly over the handlebars of her ten-speed bike after she tried jumping a hill I had urged her to jump, and it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.  I thought she’d die!

10.  My father and I went golfing once, and little did we know that the water in the golf course’s drinking fountains actually had a high level of fecal matter in it.  It was a very hot day, and we drank a lot of it.  The next day, my mother, myself, and my grandma Cohick went to see WWF Live in Hershey.  On the way there, I ate (and swallowed) an entire pack of grape bugglegum.  Halfway through the show, I got very ill, and once we got home, I vomited and kept on vomiting for what seemed days (I think, in fact, it was days).  It wasn’t until later that we pieced together what all happened, after a class-action lawsuit was brought against the golf course.  To this day, I cannot chew grape bubblegum.

50 More Things from 2010

Due to the severe limitations of “top ten lists”, as well as the sheer amount of crap I love each year, I’ve decided to institute this general list of 50 things I plain-old loved in 2010.  Most will be things that did not appear on my music or movies list, as well as things created, released, or performed in 2010, but I’m not going to limit myself with actual ground rules.  Here are, quite simply, in no particular order, 50 things I loved in 2010:

50.  The New York Times

Hear hear for a newspaper that still dares to have sections devoted to important things like science, business, and art.  I’ve found it difficult to spend less than two hours on a copy—even on a day like Tuesday.

49.  Red Bull Cola

It will probably be a short-lived experiment, but the delicious and almost-natural cola from Red Bull was a tasty shot of adrenaline (even if it was overpriced).

48.  Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson in “The Other Guys”. 

The movie itself may have been lacking, but these two good sports’ 5 minutes of screen time made the enterprise worth the price of admission.

47.  “Dancing with the Stars”

For awhile, I hated myself for this guilty pleasure, until I realized it was actually genuinely compelling television.  Cynical hipster naysayers need to actually watch a season (I should know–I am a cynical hipster naysayer)

46.  The segment on NPR’s “Whad’Ya Know? with Michael Feldman” where they listed fake WikiLeaks

Far and away the most I’ve ever laughed at the radio.

45.  The new Ansel Adams photographs

Whether or not they are actually Ansel Adams’ is still in dispute—but they’re terrific photographs anyway

44.  This.

43.  “8: The Mormon Proposition”

The documentary that reveals (gasp!) how Prop 8 was engineered by the institution of the Mormon church.  Enraging, and engaging.

42.  VEVO on YouTube

Sure, this music channel on YouTube is 100% a corporate whore, but my year has been exponentially enhanced by concert footage of my favorite bands not shot by a drunk frat boy with a first generation iPhone.

41.  James Franco’s “Palo Alto”

Franco’s collection of short stories is good—real good.

40.  James Franco on “General Hospital”

Yeah, it’s on before I leave for work, so sue me if I watch it every now and then!  Franco’s performance as–ahem–Franco was an over-the-top piece of performance art so nuanced (with nods to the real-world oddity of James Franco being on a soap opera) that I often found myself stunned something so lovely and sophisticated was happening on American daytime television.

39.  James Franco in “127 Hours”

Portraying a not-so-likeable man within a bare-bones script who also has to cut off his own arm, Franco manages to make us like him, and makes us want to be better people, too.

38.  James Franco’s art opening in New York

James Franco opened a gallery exhibit of his art in New York this year, and although not all of it is great, some of it is incredible, and it’s all very valid.  To imagine a Hollywood star opening an art show he says–out loud–is about the “sexual confusion of adolescence” makes me think we may be living in a culture with, well…culture.  See some of the art here. 

37.  James Franco in “Howl”

So, the movie kinda stinks, but Franco hits an underappreciated home run as the poet Allen Ginsburg, an unlikeable, grizzly gay man with so many conflicting character traits, it’s an amazing juggling act Franco had to do–and a bona fide joy to see.  Also, John Hamm is in the movie, too!

36.  Salvation Army Stores

Thanks to this discovery, the visual palette that is me (it seems absurd to call what I have a “fashion sense”) is evolving for the first time in a decade.  (read: more sweaters)

35.  Joel Stein’s column in TIME magazine

The most self-absorbed man in the newsmagazine business continues to get funnier, even as his subjects get more serious.  Every week, I’m sure he’ll be arrested.

34.  The Mac Wrap at McDonalds

I seem to be the only human alive not disgusted by this, either literally, morally, or some other, more etheral way.  But I’m not disgusted.  I’m delighted.

33.  “Gimme Shelter” performed at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony by U2, Mick Jagger, and Fergie.

Rock and roll heaven.  An absolute orgasm.  And I don’t even like U2!

32.  The repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Because even republicans want to get into Heaven.

31.  Jonathan Franzen’s “Freedom”

Franzen is this generation’s Hemingway.  And “Freedom” is his “A Farewell to Arms”.  Read it.  Just do it.

30.  The March to Restore Sanity

I wasn’t there, and I didn’t see a lot of it, but I love it anyway.

29.  The “LOST” finale

It’s much debated, but I was never an “I need answers to X, Y, and Z, and I need them freaking spelled out for me” kinda guy.  I didn’t have LOST theories.  I work more by “feel”.  And the finale certainly felt right.  I still cry, every time.

28.  The “twist” ending of “Remember Me”

Everybody hates it.  I love it.  What’s new?

27.  The Chilean miners

Seriously?  This story was too good to be true.  If they made this movie and it was fictional, you’d be all like “No way this would happen like this.”  Just an unbelievable story.  The rare event of real news being real entertaining–and then uplifting.

26.  John Updike’s “Endpoint”

Sadly, this posthumous collection is the last poetry that will ever be released by Mr. Updike.  Luckily, it’s amazing (but, also, terribly terribly sad.)

25.  “The Good Wife” on CBS

I’ve just discovered it, so I have to get caught up, but it is tickling me.

24.  Seeing Art Speigelman give a talk at Dickinson University

Seeing the legendary literary graphic novelist give a highly entertaining and informative talk was one of the live event highlights of my year, and nobody had a guitar.

23.  My super-secret crush, The View‘s Sherri Shepard.

I will do unspeakble things to this woman.  In the good way.

22.  Mila Kunis and–yes–James Franco in “Date Night”

See #48 and substitute these actor’s names.

21.  The comeback of The Atlantic

One of the oldest and most respected magazines in the world revamps itself and somehow does not end up sucking.  In fact, it’s now better than ever, and just announced a profit for the first time in a decade.  And thankfully, it is somehow still completely pompous.

20.  Michael Vick

I sure know when to get back into Philadelphia sports, don’t I???  I simply love this real-life tale of redemption; if I didn’t believe in second chances, my own life would probably look a little bit different.

19.  This.

18.  TurningArt

The Netflix-like service provides you with rotating art prints (and a neato frame).  Sure, they don’t do much but hang there, but it’s a great way to explore what you like and don’t like about art.  It’s interesting to find how your relationship with a piece of art changes as it hangs in your home; much different than seeing it for 5 minutes in a gallery.

17.  Dogs

Still the best thing going.

16.  “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”

Fallon has really hit a stride that is pure magic.  Sure, he’s not breaking new ground like his competition Craig Ferguson (who’s got a bit of briliiance working, as well), but Fallon’s show works miracles within a formula.  Delicious.

15.  The Fusco Brothers

The smartest, funniest comic strip in (or probably NOT in) your local newspaper just keeps getting funnier.  And smarter.  And harder to find.

14.  BuyBack$

A store that is just cheap, used DVDs, CDs, and Blu-Rays?  Yeah.  I’m kinda all over that.

13.  The re-release of new-age symhony In C.

Composer Terry Riley’s experimental, semi-electronic classical piece In C was re-released on CD this year, and it is just as addictive as when I first owned it back in high school.  Shades of just about all my current favorite artists can be heard in this breakthrough work.

12.  Cherry Crush

Because it’s fucking delicious.

11.  “What Up With That?” sketches on Saturday Night Live

This is by far the most enjoyable recurring sketch on SNL I’ve seen in years.  It has a concrete element of the absurd, and a perfect setting for uproarious celebrity cameos.  And Keenan Thompson is a genius, I don’t care what you say!  Click here for a selection of this year’s What Up With That’s on Hulu.

10.  Roles For Women

There’s still not nearly enough meaty roles for women in movies—Hollywood, indie, or otherwise—but this year saw a few choicer roles than before, thanks to dandy’s like “The Kids Are All Right”, “Please Give”, and “Secretariat”.

9.  Dan Simmons’ “The Terror”

One of the most interesting, and also more difficult, novels I’ve ever read.  Simmons’ explorers-trapped-in-icelocked-ships-being-terrorized-by-unseen-monsters-yet-also-slightly-based-on-historical-fact-of-Franklin’s-lost-expedition has got to be the world’s first historical fiction gothic horror novel.  And it scared the shit out of me.

8.  Cleveland

It really does rock.

7.  slate.com

The one-time almost-sad story of an great website gone bad is now a must-read internet newsmagazine.  I have it set as my homepage.

6.  Blu-Ray discs in Reboxes

Hey thanks.

5.  The first fight scene in “The Book of Eli”, where Denzel cuts that dude’s hand off.

OK, so the rest of the movie is kinda hum-drum, but that knife scene by the underpass with above-mentioned amputation is pure badass movie magic.

4.  Free concerts in the square in downtown Buffalo

I got a free front-row Ed Kowalczyk show, courtesy of the city of Buffalo, in a very attractive, quaint little square with a big statue of some dude (Mr. Buffalo?) in the center.  Can’t wait to see next year’s schedule!

3.  Katie Couric doing CBS’s Evening News

I just plain trust her.  A throwback to old-school news.

2.  The poster for The National’s album “High Violet”.

Good art and good music, all affordable?  Sign me up.  Check out the poster here.

1.  “The Expendables”

The movie was pretty bad, but I’d watch these guys pop popcorn.

 

Dear NPR news-reader Giles Snyder:  I in no way believe your name is really Giles Snyder.

Alleged Pancakes Today, Cowboys Smell Swallowing. Machine Freak Miner Clothes!

1.  I bet, if you are falsely accused of a highly publicized crime (and I mean actually falsely accused), I bet every time a news commentator says something like “Well, these are still alleged charges, there hasn’t been a trial yet”, you think to yourself, That news commentator knows I’m innocent, whereas that news commentator’s remark makes the rest of us think you are guilty.  I don’t know what made me think that.

2.  An odd thing that’s happened to me since moving to Erie:  I’ve become a regular at a Bob Evans.  Before moving here I’d only been to a Bob Evans about 5 times.  I’m not even a huge fan of it there.  I really have no idea how it happened.  I mean, I do love their breakfasts but the atmosphere is so not me.  And yet.

3.  Haha Matt Lauer just referred to David Fincher as “Hollywood”.  And speaking of the Today show, I’m gonna need you to take less breaks for me to get my local weather.  Seriously, it’s like every 15 minutes.  It starts to feel like a cheat, like you just don’t have enough programming of your own.  Sometimes I can watch the Today show for 20 minutes and not actually see any Today show.

4.  You know I’m not a sports guy, though obviously my hard-line anti-sports stance has relaxed in the past year or two as I dabble in mildly following a few things (though I stand strong behind my feeling that sports are about 800% over-reported in our “news” and that our culture simply cares TOO MUCH about NFL football, but I no longer feel as though caring about sports at all is shameful).  With that caveat out of the way, as I have started paying attention to sports again over the past year, I am struck by the idea that there are a few teams in every major league sport that I just cannot understand anyone liking.  It’s like they were made to be disliked.  These teams are:

–Dallas Cowboys
–Los Angeles Dodgers
–Boston Celtics
–Pittsburgh Penguins (sorry!)
–Toronto Blue Jays
–New York Yankees
–New England Patriots
–Boston Bruins
–New York Knicks

Do you like any of these teams?? If so…how????

5.  Watch this, but not if you’re a prude:

6.  If, like me, you listen to a lot of talk radio, have you noticed that women seem to have trouble swallowing silently, whereas I never hear a man swallow?  (please please people, I’m not bitching about a gender here, this is a harmless observation).  I am constantly hearing female broadcasters swallowing between sentences. (it’s a tad off-putting)  Do you think there can be a physical explanation for this observation?  If you’ve never noticed it, start paying attention to it!  (Tell Me More‘s Michel Martin or Fresh Air‘s Terry Gross are good starting points).

7.  I recently cancelled my subscription to the Erie Times-News.  Not because it’s not a great newspaper (it is) and not because I don’t love newspapers (I do), but becausde, time-wise, I find I really only have the proper amount of time to peruse a newspaper 2 days a week, and I have discovered there are many newspaper machines very close to where I live.  Hence, I have developed quite a nice little ritual out of walking to the newspaper machines on my days off, in the wee, still-dark hours of the morning.  If this is anything remotely like something you can do, may I heartily recommend it. (nevermind the fact that I’ll probably have to re-subscribe in a month or two when the weather gets bad enough)

8.  I’m reading this book called “Freakonomincs” by Steven D. Levitt.  It’s pretty famous so I won’t bother telling you about it.  I’m almost done with it, and I still can’t tell you if I love it or hate it.  Some of the chapters I read and think, I could have written that.  That is fucking common.  Like the dude who thinks he’s really funny saying to you, “Hey, why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?” as though that wasn’t only NOT a joke, but practically a cliche.  Well, some of the chapters are like that.  And then out of the blue, he also amazes me, usually just as I am about to give up and stop reading the book.  Here is a passage where he is trying to figure out what exactly is true when it comes to the various myths about the safety of driving vs. flying.  I’m not sure if anything is even actually discussed here, but this kind of passage dazzles me for some reason:

So which should we actually fear more, flying or driving?
It might first help to ask a more basic question: what, exactly, are we afraid of?  Death, presumably.  But the fear of death needs to be narrowed down.  Of course we all know that we are bound to die, and we might worry about it casually.  But if you are told that you have a ten percent chance of dying within the next year, you might worry a lot more, perhaps even choosing to live your life differently.  And if you are told you have a 10% chance of dying within the next minute, you’ll probably panic.  So it’s the imminent possibility of death that drives the fear–which means that the most sensible way to calculate fear of death would be to think about it on a per-hour basis.
       If you are taking a trip and have the choice of driving or flying, you might wish to consider the per-hour death rate of driving versus flying.  (Hey, Seth again.  You can imagine that the next few paragraphs are incredibly interesting.)

9.  I sure wouldn’t want to be one of those Chilean miners.

10.  It’s amazing what I will go out in public looking like when I know there is an absolute zero percent chance of running into anyone I know.  I mean, this is beyond sweats.  We’re talking really, really ugly t-shirts, old, ripped PJ pants, super-generic velcro’d sneakers, no socks, no underwear, not shaved, not showered.  Now, I don’t go do anything of substance like this, but I find myself frequently leaving the house to do minor errands like shopping, gas, post office, etc, in this shameful state.  And guess what?  It’s pretty damn liberating.

Dear Bob Edwards: your radio show has been about New Orleans for the last fucking month.  We get it.  Now please stop.

Sincerely,
Seth

My 15 Minutes?

How many minutes of fame does all this stuff add up to?

(before you call me an arrogant idiot…this is meant quite ironically.  Though it is all true.)

1.  My mother was photographed riding a bicycle with a very young me in a basket on the front of the bike, and my sister behind her on the bike.  This photograph appeared in a parenting magazine in the early 80s.

2.  Around age 14, I was on the local news, cheering at a game of Harrisburg’s minor league soccer team.  It was a close-up.

3.  I had a letter printed in an issue of the short-lived Marvel comic book DOOM 2099.

4.  I appeared on the cover of my company’s newsletter, The Smile, beside the company president.  We were both wearing sombreros.

5.  Although miniscule, my picture has appeared in Entertainment Weekly.

6.  An issue of the Shippensburg University literary magazine was dedicated to me.

7.  After a “multi-cultural” day at my high school, my photo appeared in the Carlisle Sentinel. I was once again wearing a sombrero.  I was eating tacos.  It was a close-up.

8.  I once sold a dozen cookies to Earl David Reed, host of 105.7 the X’s “morning zoo” show here in Harrisburg.

9.  In college, I was on a terrible, terrible radio show called “The Worst Show in Radio”.  Really, that’s what we called it.  It was on one day a week at 3am.

10.  My dad was the announcer and then coach of the Newville Cardinals for a few years.  That aint nothing to sneeze at.

What do you think?  I’m saying I’ve got maybe 4 minutes in.

An Armada of Underwater Robots

1.  A few hours ago, I was at a place called Chloe Pizza here in Carlisle.  I was there because, even though it seems to be your typical “strip mall” pizza shop (it’s the place by Giant supermarket) I have found it to have the best pizza in town.  So I was eating a coupla slices, watching CNN on the TV they have in there.  During a commercial break, some commerical comes on (I have no idea what it was for) and it started out with this line:  “What if taking a chance didn’t exist?”  I found this line so ridiculous and phony that I shouted “Oh my God!”.  Note:  I was far from the only person in the joint, but I was dining alone.  Can you say embarrassing?

2.  There’s certainly going to be a long blog about this in the near future, but I just want to put it out there that Pearl Jam is most likely not my favorite band anymore.  I know to some of you, this seems like no big deal, while others of you may find this news mortifying.  PJ was such a big part of how I defined myself for so many years.  What’s keeping me from making an official announcement is that I have no idea what replaces PJ as my favorite band;  I may no longer have just one favorite band.  Things just don’t seem that cut-and-dried to me anymore.  I still do and always will love Pearl Jam—big problem is, I don’t really listen to them much anymore.  I’ll update on this once I’ve got it all worked out.

3.  It’s official:  something’s wrong with my back.

4.  I just watched this.  You should too:

5.  As I was getting out of my car after I ate at Chloe Pizza, the NPR program I had been listening to (“Talk of the Nation”)—which I hadn’t really been paying attention to—must have been discussing something terribly interesting.  I heard this just before I turned this ignition off:

“—and the world’s largest armada of advanced underwater robots is on it’s way—”

I daren’t turn the ignition back on to hear the rest.

Notes From Pittsburgh

1.  Being stuck in traffic on a bridge in a windstorm which is undergoing structural contsruction?  Not so much.

2.  I could not have had a better day for a 3+ hour solo drive.  Beautiful.

3.  Having not smoked for almost 6 months has really improved my ability to sing very loud and obnoxiously while I drive.  This may be the best side-effect yet.

4.  Why is it always 10 degrees colder in the west of the state than in the east of the state?  I mean, like, always.

5.  I can now officially drive from Carlisle to the Eat ‘n Park corporate office in Pittsburgh without any directional help, either printed, written, or GPS.  This may sound like a not-big deal to you, but navigating to a specific point across an entire state without aid is not a trait usually attributable to me.

6.  This hotel’s computer is slower than my computer at home.

7.  The Monongahela rules because it’s so obviously shitty.

8.  Seriously…why are they still letting Dianne Rehm be on the radio?  I am not exaggerating to say she can barely speak.

9.  I am definitely swimming in this hotel’s pool within the hour.  I just walked past it and there was NOBODY there.

10.  Free USA Today.  Score.

On the way home from work today, was listening to the Diane Rehm Show on NPR (I’m already not fond of Ms. Rehm), when she said this about Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia:

“To some, he is very popular, to others he is quite polarizing.”

Looks like a certain seasoned broadcast professional needs to read the P section of the dictionary.

All Things Considered

There’s going to be an interesting episode of the NPR show All Things Considered tonight about a guy who just cheated at the national Sudoku champoinships, who may or may not be the same dude who cheated at a national chess championships a few years ago who they never caught.  It’s just an incredibly interesting story.  It airs at 8pm most places.  Stream it here.

Notes From the World at Large

Just got back from driving a friend of mine to the District Justice’s office.  Inside, I saw this sign:

You will be prosecuted if you bring a handgun on these premises, and/or cause a handgun to be present.

A few questions: so…rifles are OK?  And how do I cause a handgun to be brought?

Heard on NPR on the way to the District Justice:

Silversun Pickups just might be the next U2.

This is both awesome to hear someone say, and also makes me nauseous.

Also: currently reading my third book on Aaron Burr.  I may be bordering on obsessed.  He’s definitely the absolute most interesting figure in American history, so far as I can tell.

Also:  I think I may finally understand String Theory.  And it seems like total nonsense!

Paul’s Enduring Influence

My good buddy Paul used to–and still does–intentionally do a thing which he knows messes with my mind quite a bit.  He will sing very wrong lyrics to songs while in my presence, over and over again, until he cements the wrong version in my mind, to the point that I thereafter have tremendous difficulty singing the correct lyrics.  This is on my mind at the moment because on the way home from work tonight, on three different radio stations,  three of the “big four” of these songs got played on the radio and I am fuming all over again at Paul’s insistence to mess with my mind like this.  I figured I should complain about this in a public forum so that Paul can be bludgeoned and cuckolded whenever anyone encounters him.  Here, for a glimpse into Paul’s mind, are the Big Four songs that he has all but ruined for me for the rest of my life:

Neil Young’s “Rockin’ in the Free World”:

Real lyric:

“Keep on rockin’ in the free world!”

Paul lyric:

“Keep on rockin’ singin’ Free Bird!”

A simple enough change, I know, but I can’t shake it.

Everlast’s “What It’s Like”:

Real lyric:  “God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes.”

Paul lyric:  “God forbid you ever had to walk in my linen shoes.”

This one has probably given me the most trouble over the years.

Seven Mary Three’s “Favorite Dog”:

Real lyric:  “I love that rusty water like it was my favorite dog.”

Paul lyric:  “I love that Rusty Wallace like he was my favorite dog.”

Once again, a very simple change, but I am now completely unable to sing the song correctly.

And, his masterpiece, his strangest mindfuck ever:

Stone Temple Pilots’ “Dead and Bloated”:

Real lyric:  “I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday deathbed.”

Paul lyric:  “I am looking like a dog that somebody fucked up in the nose with a toothbrush.”

Crazy, I know, but sing it once.  It’s addictive.

A Big ‘Huh?’

Now, I love Judd Apatow as much as the next movie geek, but the man just said the most gigantically stupid thing on Fresh Air on NPR.  He was asked how his childhood, and high school, affected his comedy.  He said this:

“Well, I was born in December, so I was always the youngest kid in my class, so I was also the smallest, so I was horrible at sports.  I think getting picked last in gym class all the time really had an influence on me.”

What? I can’t even believe I heard that.  Let’s dissect this, coming the viewpoint of my own personal experience:

1.  I was born in January, but I was never the oldest kid in my class.  There were kids born in August who were older than me.  I’m not sure how this works.

2. Does Apatow mean to tell us that the difference of a few months in age, in high school, is still effecting your size?  Um.  Ok.

3.  More about number two:  I was born in January, and I think we know how that worked out for me.

4.  I was a very little guy in high school, but I was never picked last in gym class.  You can always own in gym class if you just play your ass off.  Don’t blame your size for the fact that you’re a pussy.

Really, why would you say such a magnificently idiotic thing?