“What if you slept, and what if in your sleep you dreamed, and what if in your dreams you went to a perfect garden and there you plucked a strange and beautiful flower, and what if when you awoke you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?”
–Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 1817
More proof that the New York Times is better than your newspaper: the lead-in to their article on the winners of the stupid-huge lottery thing that just happened:
“What is $640 million divided by three? More math than jackpot winners in Illinois, Kansas and Maryland will ever have to do again.”
From this week’s TIME magazine:
$25: cost of purchasing Plan B., the morning-after pill, from a vending machine at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania; it’s the only known such machine in the U.S.
OK, I thought it was cool when we made Saturday Night Live, but TIME magazine! And last year, Carlisle High School was in TIME! (remember, for having sheep mow their grass?)
Son: “Did you always want to be a jeweler, Dad?”
Father: “I might have wanted to be an artist. I don’t know.”
Son: “Why not?”
Father: “Because I’m a jeweler.”
—from Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
(quote appears in both the film and the novel by Jonathan Safron Foer)
I’m going to once again sing the praises of the New York Times. It really does make a difference what newspaper you read. The NYT treats it’s articles like small pieces of literature. I was just reading their review of the current season of “American Idol” (the article is written by Jon Caramanica) when I was blown away by this description of Steven Tyler—a description other media outlets would not have even bothered to attempt:
“Mr. Tyler’s face alone is worthy of a weekly show, loose skin slippery over a distant skeleton. He’s a Claymation figure come to life, all elasticity and wrinkle. He dresses like a shaman, a time-traveling dandy or a runaway hippie teen. His grin is wide, like the Joker’s, and when he’s laughing, really he’s braying.”
“I used to wear those cone bras like Madonna did. Except they weren’t cones, or like Madonna’s.”
“I was sharting before sharting was cool.”
“That hooker sure was mad when I gave her the ol’ Alabama Mud Slide.”
Fez: Has anyone ever had a dream where you were with…the opposite of a girl?
Kelso: What, two girls? Well yeah!
“You know what I’d like to see? Bear rodeo.”
From an interview with William Shatner in the current issue of TIME:
TIME: If you could share a secret about yourself, what would it be?
Shatner: The secret is, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I don’t really know what I’m doing in anything: relationships, driving, talking to you.
“If those douchebrains are at Sheetz again tonight, I am gonna shit in their pants.”
“If that dog walks over here I’m gonna unleash the icky thump.”
(to Tony Magni, who was having trouble hearing Ron)
“Why don’t you take the dick out of your ear and put it back in your mouth where it belongs?”
Some day I will make a joke so funny, it will destroy the world.
“If this day doesn’t get better, I’m gonna go Carrot Top on everyone in here.”
“Burps are just mouth farts.”
1. A few hours ago, I was at a place called Chloe Pizza here in Carlisle. I was there because, even though it seems to be your typical “strip mall” pizza shop (it’s the place by Giant supermarket) I have found it to have the best pizza in town. So I was eating a coupla slices, watching CNN on the TV they have in there. During a commercial break, some commerical comes on (I have no idea what it was for) and it started out with this line: “What if taking a chance didn’t exist?” I found this line so ridiculous and phony that I shouted “Oh my God!”. Note: I was far from the only person in the joint, but I was dining alone. Can you say embarrassing?
2. There’s certainly going to be a long blog about this in the near future, but I just want to put it out there that Pearl Jam is most likely not my favorite band anymore. I know to some of you, this seems like no big deal, while others of you may find this news mortifying. PJ was such a big part of how I defined myself for so many years. What’s keeping me from making an official announcement is that I have no idea what replaces PJ as my favorite band; I may no longer have just one favorite band. Things just don’t seem that cut-and-dried to me anymore. I still do and always will love Pearl Jam—big problem is, I don’t really listen to them much anymore. I’ll update on this once I’ve got it all worked out.
3. It’s official: something’s wrong with my back.
4. I just watched this. You should too:
5. As I was getting out of my car after I ate at Chloe Pizza, the NPR program I had been listening to (“Talk of the Nation”)—which I hadn’t really been paying attention to—must have been discussing something terribly interesting. I heard this just before I turned this ignition off:
“—and the world’s largest armada of advanced underwater robots is on it’s way—”
I daren’t turn the ignition back on to hear the rest.
Quote of the night:
Employee: “Seth, I just thought you should know the only reason I work here is the free soda.”
Last night at work, I was in the kitchen when my normally quiet, shy dishwasher walked in and informed me:
“Party of ten just got sat, two adults, eight kids.”
Me: “Wow, how do you get a party of eight kids and two adults?!”
Dishwasher: “Lots of pushin”
Just got back from driving a friend of mine to the District Justice’s office. Inside, I saw this sign:
You will be prosecuted if you bring a handgun on these premises, and/or cause a handgun to be present.
A few questions: so…rifles are OK? And how do I cause a handgun to be brought?
Heard on NPR on the way to the District Justice:
Silversun Pickups just might be the next U2.
This is both awesome to hear someone say, and also makes me nauseous.
Also: currently reading my third book on Aaron Burr. I may be bordering on obsessed. He’s definitely the absolute most interesting figure in American history, so far as I can tell.
Also: I think I may finally understand String Theory. And it seems like total nonsense!
Me: “Dad, does dying scare you?”
Dad: “No. I just think I’d miss things.”
Me: “Like what?”
Dad: “Like Phillies games.”
I spent a good deal of time today with two friends of mine who nourish my soul greatly, but neither of whom I get to see nearly often enough. Those friends would be Tasha and Michael, and I am in such a tremendously good mood now due to my time spent with them. A few notes from the day:
1. Today was the first time in 2 years I’ve spent any time with Tasha’s daughter, Milaina, and she is awesome. She is very much her own person, with quite a mind of her own. She’s gonna be a handful. Soon.
2. Michael gave me a swivel office chair she was getting rid of, and it is amazing!! If you push yourself around in a circle just a few times, and then take your feet off the ground, it will keep spinning forever and ever!
3. Tasha is a comedic genius. At one point, in LeTort park, Milaina had a little tiny leaf and was pretending to paint my nails with it. Tasha just casually says, “Leaf Press-On Nails.” Then later she made another pun that was truly incredible, but I forget it.
4. We went shopping at K-Mart, which seems to be a running theme in my life lately. There, I learned, through her clothing selections, that Tasha is 70% evil.
5. Michael’s mom mysteriously showed up at her house for a brief moment. I sure do like her!
6. So many of those crazy ‘coincidences’ kept happening with Michael and I that there was surely some sort of universal force at work there.
7. Michael and I wound down the afternoon playing each other some of our current favorite songs and videos. (we’re big fans of exposing each other to new art/media). I ended up tearing up 3 times during this session. it was rather incredible. Of the new things Mike showed me, I’m really still stuck on this song, “Feelin’ Good Again”, by Robert Earl Keen. Do yourself a favor and look up the lyircs and print them and follow along:
By the end of the day, I also ended up loaning her one of my Billy Collins poetry collections (see pic of her waving it around, above). Hopefully I’ve actually put another Billy Collins fan into the world!!!
8. Tasha and I argued about Dane Cook, and she made a face like this:
9. I beat Michael at a game of tic-tac-toe and immediately got cocky. I then beat Tasha at a game and got cockier. Then Tasha schooled me in two successive, very quick games.
10. Michael and I drove around for an hour and shared. Alot.
11. Tasha and I came up with yet another million-dollar idea: mattresses with a thin layer of grass on top of them.
12. Tasha to woman at coffee shop: “How big is your big one?”
Notes From the Fire 