More Hand Gestures for Driving

The other day, I was driving and I saw someone use one of the hand signals you are supposed to use to signal a turn if your turn signals aren’t working.  It got me thinking about nonverbal hand signals we can use to other drivers on the road.  There are the turning hand gestures, the “you go first” gesture, and “the bird”, and that’s about it.  It got me thinking how great it would be if we had a longer list of “official” hand gestures we could use to easily communicate to other drivers.  Here is a partial list of what I think would be very useful for us all to learn, although I have no idea what the actual gestures would look like, but we need some that mean these things:

–“I know you waved me to go first, but really, I think you should go first.”

–“I’m only changing lanes really briefly.”

–“I’d prefer you not drive that close to me.”

–“Are you a police officer?”

–“I really like your sunglasses.”

–“I still buy CDs.”

–“Who is your favorite Golden Girl?”  (note: there would need to be hand signals for each Golden Girl, including Stanley.)

–“I wish I could grow a mustache.”

–“I am not personally responsible for this traffic jam.  Would you like to get to the bottom of who is?”

–“I’m really more of a ‘dog person’.”

–“How about this weather?”

–“I can give you some pointers on how to go vegan, if you’d like.”

–“Do you happen to have a bathroom in your car?”

–“Wow! We’re both going super fast!”

–“Stop texting!”

–“Evolution is not a theory.”

–“You know, fellow traveler, driving down this nondescript highway, in a car I am indebted to, toward a job I hate, has me feeling like just a cog in a sinister capitalist machine.  Good day to you!”

–“I just had carpal tunnel surgery.”

–“*HAZARD LIGHTS*”

–“I wouldn’t mind learning the art of topiary gardening.”

These are just a sampling of the standardized hand gestures that I feel could make our lives easier.  Are there any I have left out? Leave your suggestions in the comments!

Sea of Ice

Famous people I know I would be good friends with if we ever got to know each other:

–Werner Herzog
–Kiefer Sutherland
–Anderson Cooper
–Emily Wells
–Dave Eggers
–Joaquin Phoenix
–Rachel Maddow
–Adam Savage

Oh hey, Karla and I were in line at a store last week.  We were next to be rung out.  We were standing kind of arm-in-arm.   We looked at each other and gave each other two or three quick, successive peck kisses.  The man behind the register threw his arms up in the air and bellowed, “FOLKS!  There’s other people here,” at which point he motioned to the other people in line behind us.  Then he said something along the lines of “Stop that” although I can’t remember his exact wording there.  We were flabbergasted!!  We hadn’t even been close to making out or kissing in any excessive way–whatever that would be!  It’s fair to say my anger was intense.  Karla pointedly asked the man behind us, “Were you offended?” and he said “I’m too tired to be offended.”  We were silent while he rang up our items.  As we walked out I said a very mean thing to him, which I do not feel bad about.

Oh hey, watch this video of Kay Ryan reading her poem “The Turtle”.  I mean wow.  “Her only levity is patience,/ the sport of truly chastened things.”

 

It’s not something you really wanna think about very much, but what songs would you want played at your funeral?  I actually used to think about this a lot, back when I was much more sad all the time, but even now the topic will cross my mind every few months.  Naturally my selections have varied wildly as time goes on and my tastes changed.  For many years I held tightly onto “Light Years” by Pearl Jam being one of the songs played, but that finally slid off the list a few years ago.  And thank goodness–in retrospect I can see that would have been gratuitously sad.  Just way TOO SAD.  Currently I am going with “A Three-Legged Workhorse” by This Will Destroy You, “I’ve Been Asleep For a Long, Long Time” by Hey Rosetta!,  and “Brian and Robert” by Phish.  I recommend trying this exercise yourself.  I think you’ll find it is quite revealing, not just about your musical tastes, but about the entirety of your life.

Here is a (partial) list of things I would try to get good at if I had unlimited time on this Earth:

–playing the guitar
–hiking/camping/climbing
–painting
–the yo yo
–acting
–ice skating

Oh hey, I’m reading a book about the earliest art to depict the polar regions after human exploration had begun there.  It’s a truly intriguing topic and some of this art is just spectacular.  Somewhat realistic based off the descriptions of the men who’d been there but also rather exaggerated and mystical as the place was still one of imagination and perceived danger and death.  Check out “Sea of Ice” by Caspar David Friedrich:

 

 

Favorites, 2016

Back in the old days of the Notes, I used to write a lot more about music, movies, and books, and I would every so often post updated lists of my absolute favorites of things.  Not due to any pressing interest from the public, of course–mostly just because it’s fun for me, and also because having such a blog post can be quite handy during discussions online; I can just link someone to the entry to aid in a discussion of favorites.

Of course this is not to be confused with my annual “Favorite Music” list, where I detail my favorite music released in the previous calendar year; these lists detail my current all-time favorites, which are (like yours, of course) constantly changing.

Looking back at my entries, it appears as though I haven’t done a big posting of lists since 2012, so I’ll make this one fairly comprehensive.  All of these lists have changed since 2012–some very little, some quite dramatically:

My top ten favorite poets

10.  Jane Kenyon
9.   Robert Creeley
8.  William Carlos Williams
7.   Sylvia Plath
6.  Billy Collins
5.  Denise Levertov
4.  E.E. Cummings
3.  Philip Levine
2.  John Updike
1.  Philip Larkin

My top 10 favorite film directors

10.  Federico Fellini
9.  Sidney Lumet
8.  Alejandro Inarritu
7.  Christopher Nolan
6.  Paul Thomas Anderson
5.  Alfonso Cuaron
4.  Stanley Kubrick
3.  Werner Herzog
2.  Alfred Hitchcock
1.  Terrence Malick

My top ten bands

10. This Will Destroy You
9.  My Morning Jacket
8.  Godspeed You! Black Emperor
7.  Radiohead
6.  Seven Mary Three
5.  Hey Rosetta!
4.   The National
3.  Band of Horses
2.  Modest Mouse
1.  Arcade Fire

 

My top ten music solo artists

10.  Tracy Chapman
9.  Ray LaMontagne
8.  Father John Misty
7.  Leonard Cohen
6.  Jim James
5.  Nina Simone
4.  Willis Earl Beal
3.  Emily Wells
2.  Paul Simon
1.  Neil Young

My top ten favorite (non-documentary) movies

10.  Citizen Kane
9.  Night of the Hunter
8.  Fitzcarraldo
7.  Magnolia
6.  The Trouble with Harry
5.  Children of Men
4.  Where the Wild Things Are
3.  The Thin Red Line
2.  I’m Still Here
1.  The Tree of Life

My ten favorite novelists

10.  Malcolm Lowry
9.  John Steinbeck
8.  Isaac Asimov
7.  Ernest Hemingway
6. Oscar Wilde
5.  Kurt Vonnegut
4.  Mark Twain
3.  David Mitchell
2.  Don DeLillo
1.  Dave Eggers

My top twenty favorite books (any genre, fiction or nonfiction)

20.  “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole
19.  “Slade House” by David Mitchell
18.  “The Terror” by Dan Simmons
17.  “You Shall Know Our Velocity” by Dave Eggers
16.  “Point Omega” by Don DeLillo
15.  “Cloud Atlas” by David Mitchell
14.  “Fallen Founder” by Nancy Isenberg
13.  “The Picture of Dorian Gray” by Oscar Wilde
12.  “Lord of the Flies” by William Golding
11.  “Under the Volcano” by Malcolm Lowry
10.  “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” by Dave Eggers
9.  “The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemingway
8.  “Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut
7.  “Dubliners” by James Joyce
6.  “Letters From the Earth” by Mark Twain
5.  “White Noise” by Don DeLillo
4.  “Endurance” by Alfred Lansing
3.  “Your Fathers, Where Are They?  And the Prophets, Do They Live Forever?” by Dave Eggers
2.  “Into the Wild” by John Krakauer
1.  “The Grapes of Wrath” by John Steinbeck

My top twenty favorite albums

20.  “Funeral” by Arcade Fire
19.  “Nobody Knows” by Willis Earl Beal
18.  “High Violet” by The National
17.  “The Battle of Los Angeles” by Rage Against the Machine
16.  “Swamp Ophelia” by Indigo Girls
15.  “Mirrorball” by Neil Young
14.  “Dis/Location” by Seven Mary Three
13.  “Abbey Road” by The Beatles
12.  “Graceland” by Paul Simon
11.  “Bitches Brew” by Miles Davis
10.  “‘Allelujah!  Don’t Bend!  Ascend!” by Godspeed You! Black Emperor
9.    “Kid A” by Radiohead
8.   “Strangers to Ourselves” by Modest Mouse
7.   “This Will Destroy You” by This Will Destroy You
6.   “Time Out” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet
5.   “Secret Samadhi” by LIVE
4.   “Infinite Arms” by Band of Horses
3.   “The Suburbs” by Arcade Fire
2.   “RockCrown” by Seven Mary Three
1.  “Into Your Lungs (and Around in Your Heart and On Through Your Blood)” by Hey Rosetta!

 

My top five composers

5.  Philip Glass
4.  Cliff Martinez
3.  Hans Zimmer
2.  Felix Mendelssohn
1.  Carl Nielsen

My top ten painters

10.  Edgar Degas
9.  George Bellows
8.  Mark Rothko
7.  Johannes Vermeer
6.  Mary Cassatt
5.  Maurice Prendergast
4.  Thomas Eakins
3.  Henri Rousseau
2.  Andrew Wyeth
1.  John Sloan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Favorite Music of 2014

Here we go again.  This yearly list is one of the last remaining rituals from when this blog was much more focused on reviews of and discussions about current art and media; I used to post frequent movie and music reviews, and slowly over the years it morphed into a much more personal blog.  Early on, I posted multiple year-end “favorite” lists (I avoid calling them “best of” lists, but only because it seems to piss some of you off).  One year I went as far to make a Favorite Poetry, Favorite Television, Favorite Magazines, Favorite Movies, and Favorite Music lists!  The last 3 or so years, I have only made a music list.  I still like to closely follow new-release movies, but I can no longer make a pointed effort to see enough of them in a timely fashion to make a comprehensive yearly list.

If you have any interest, you can see past year’s music lists here (they did go even further back, but they were on MySpace blogs that have unfortunately disappeared):

Favorite Music of 2013

Favorite Music of 2012

Favorite Music of 2011

Favorite Music of 2010

Favorite Music of 2009

As per usual, if you are a person who routinely gets mix discs and other neat stuff from me in the mail, a mix disc featuring a selection from all of this year’s listings is already in the mail on it’s way to you.  If you are not one of these people and want to be, leave a blog comment/ send me a Facebook message/ text me/ call me/ hit me up on Tinder (huh?) and I’ll put you on the list!  Now, the winners:

This was an especially fertile year for music for me; I’d estimate I listened to approximately 80 new-release albums this year, and really loved about half of those.  This was by far the most difficult year I’ve had when it comes to narrowing down my selections!  Some of my favorite artists had no releases this year, so it was easier to not play favorites and just judge what moved me the most.  Here are the top fifteen, in order:

15.  Modest Mouse, “Lampshades on Fire”

This is the first time in the history of my lists that I have included a single song instead of an album, but I didn’t see as I had a choice.  Modest Mouse’s new album doesn’t come out until March 2015, but this lead single, which was released about 3 weeks ago, has been almost the only thing I’ve been listening to since it came out.  An absolute piece of snarling perfection.

14.  Real Estate, Atlas

If you have any idea what “shoegaze” rock is, and you haven’t heard this album, may I suggest you stop being an idiot?

13.  Phish, Fuego

Finally a return to form after a number of disappointing releases, Fuego finds the band weaving tight, crisp jams over sparse but giddy lyrics that start to hint at the pains of being post-middle age, with a little bit of supreme confidence thrown in for good measure.

12.  Parquet Courts, Sunbathing Animal and Content Nausea

This New York post-punk-post-pop-pre-rockabilly (huh?  Here I am just joking; the music media loves to label Parquet Courts in so many ways it is ludicrous; they just make “rock” music, albeit kinda…punky?  Amateury?) really hit their stride this year, releasing two back-to-back masterpieces (the second, Content Nausea, being released by their alter ego band, Parkay Quarts).  These taut, coiled, short screeds blast at you like beautiful insults; they are loveable songs that you want to run from.

11.  The Orwells, Disgraceland

The Orwells steamrolled onto everybody’s radar this year with this unforgettable performance on Letterman.  That song (called “Who Needs You”) also features some truly daring lyrics: “You better count your blessings/ kiss your ma and pa/ You better burn that flag/ ’cause it aint against the law!/ Listen up forefathers:/ I’m not your son/ You better save the country/ You better pass the flask/ You better join the army/ I said: no thank you, dear old uncle sam!”.  When their full-length album, Disgraceland, was released shortly after the Letterman appearance, it didn’t much matter that it was a disappointing collection of small-talent noise rock: “Who Needs You” was a song debut good enough to buy them a few years of grace period.

10.  The War on Drugs, Lost in the Dream

These home-grown Philly boys blew me away with the first track on this album (while not their first album, it’s their first ‘major’ album, and the first I’d heard).  The album is aptly titled, as, if I had to name this genre of rock, I’d call it Dream Rock.  Standout track “Under the Pressure” was my anthem of early summer this year, and provided a soundtrack on repeat for my visit home to Central PA and my friend Michael’s wedding.  I have a clear memory of sitting in my dad’s car after arriving to her wedding, blasting the air conditioning, listening to “Under the Pressure” on repeat, and waiting to get out of the car until I saw someone I knew.

9.  El Ten Eleven, For Emily

One of the more unique “post-rock” outfits in the biz, this duo utilizes looping and custom instruments to create full, intensely emotive sounds.  For Emily is just a 5-song EP, but it is far from a toss-off and there is zero filler.  The production is crisper and cleaner than I’m used to from these guys; I can hear the guitarist’s fingers on the strings, a pleasant departure from the more clinical sound of their earlier (and still amazing) records.

8. Willis Earl Beal, Experiments in Time

The supremely “artsy” blues-psychedlia-R&B crooner of last year’s exquisite Nobody Knows came back right away with a solid follow-up; however, Experiments in Time lacks the urgency and necessity of his previous efforts.  Still, Time succeeds where most artists fail: every moment of this is something that could only have been made by Beal.  Everything he does is unmistakably his, a quality that is more and more rare these days.

7.  Hey Rosetta!, Second Sight

Those of you who have followed my blog for years now may be surprised by this band’s new album ranking seventh on my list this year (they’ve released two albums since I started making lists, each one ranking #1 on their release year).  I continue to maintain Hey Rosetta! as my favorite band (although it keeps being by thinner and thinner margins) and my discovery of them about 6 or 7 years ago remains a defining event of my life; alas, nothing stays perfect forever.  There are lots of moments to like on Second Sight, and a few of these songs would turn up on mix CDs I might make of the band; however, the breathless, emotion-drenched moments I crave from them are a bit too infrequent, and the times the band tries to stretch and evolve often sound too under-developed.  Nonetheless: solid, earnest, and soulful.

6.  Mono, The Last Dawn and Rays of Darkness

The premier Japanese post-rock band has finally made their masterpiece in these two simultaneously-released twin albums; Dawn explores the light, uplifting possibilities of this genre, and Darkness its depressing underbelly. Both albums are instant post-rock classics; when listened to back-to-back, it can be a damn-near enlightening experience.

5.  Delta Spirit, Into the Wide

Finally this band, who I have always loved, completely lets loose.  They get big and epic.  These are songs about hearts as big as prairies, unchecked regret, the loss of innocence, and the decay of America.  The tales are told through booming guitar loops and underlying synth structures, long atmospheric intros and cacophonous crescendos.  Singer Matt Vasquez’s voice breaks in just the right places, just the right amount of times, like a pubescent boy finally learning to control the caged beast within.

4.  This Will Destroy You, Another Language

This year, This Will Destroy You entered the small league of BANDS THAT ALWAYS MESS ME UP EMOTIONALLY.  This intense, emotive post-rock group from Texas (where else have we heard of a Texas post-rock band?) started out my year amazingly, as I worked my way through their back catalog and they made my life better.  I was caught off guard late in the year by the release of a new album!  Another Language doesn’t often reach the sublime levels of their early work, but some standout tracks (“Newtopia”, “Dustism”, “Serpent Mound”) can make a comfortable home with their best material.

3. Stars, No One is Lost

This band just keeps on growing on me.  They are wholly unique.  They fuse an indie/alternative vibe with a pop sensibility and then throw in melancholy, defeatist lyrics for a sound and feeling you simply cannot get anywhere else.  No One is Lost absolutely has to be their best album yet.  You leave it dancing your ass off, but with no idea what to feel.  The emotional confusion that Stars provokes is completely intentional and positively riveting.

2.  Warpaint, Warpaint

The album is self-titled, but it isn’t their debut album (it’s their third).  This album slithered under my skin from moment one.  It is sinister, sexy, and deliciously complex.  It is bombastic, mathematical, dynamic, coiled.  It punches, swerves, licks, plays.  The four women in Warpaint refuse to make “chick rock”, but they also do not ignore that they are women; this is rock music made from a woman’s perspective, but for everybody.  It’s not about being a woman, it’s about the experience of life, of living in bodies, the depth of feeling, the smell of smoke, the touch of a raindrop, barely felt.  This album is a sensual gut-punch.

1. Silver Mt. Zion, Fuck Off Get Free We Pour Light on Everything

This is not music for everybody.  This band–and especially this album by this band–is a pretty unhappy affair.  It does not focus on the good things in life.  It’s about dirt, pain, rot.  It is, at times, about rising above these things, about triumph–but it is about triumph as afterthought, as happenstance.  This is perhaps not a complete and accurate portrait of life: but it is not a perspective without its truth.

This downtrodden thematic perspective is accompanied by the band’s usual lengthy, repetitive, droning postpunk post-everything mess rock, but with a little (a little) more typical song structure than usual.  Like I said: this isn’t for everybody.  But you know who it is for?  Me.  While not a single song on this album could ever come even remotely close to being played on the radio (I think most radio stations would pay money to keep it away) it is, to me, one of those rarest things in modern music: true art, worthy of museum display.

 

 

Some nicknames I wouldn’t mind being known as:

1.  Spittoon Lou
2.  The Absolute Maniac
3.  Chimichanga
4.  The Texas Panhandle
5.  Bose Wave Radio
6.  Bucket o’ Blood
7.  Snubbed by the Oscars
8.  Plantain Plantain
9.  America’s Lapdog
10.  Joseph and the Coat of One Color*
11.  Unnecessary Stitches
12.  Huge Hail Balls
13.  Blogger, Frogger, Central Park Jogger*
14.  Onion Dip
15.  Technical Difficulties
16.  World’s Strongest Hipster
17.  Figgy Pudding
18.  Rolling Brownouts
19.  Dingling Brothers Circus
20.  Michelle Tanner
21.   Crawfish Salad
22.  The Elegant Sky-writer
23.  Pinochle
24.  Sid the Squid
25.  Jailbreak

*must always be said in full

Some Things I Like

Some things I like include, but are not limited to:

Dreams about dinosaurs.  Gel pens.  When fog actually rolls.  Itches you can scratch.  Falsetto.  Twine.  Cheesy films about the struggle for civil rights.  Pepperoni pizza.  A Prairie Home Companion.  Long, slow things that almost hurt.  Pointillist paintings.  My own long shadow dancing in front of me on dying summer afternoons.  Loud guitars.  White-out.  Bobbleheads.  Bubble baths in the dark.  My own horrible Jimmy Stewart impression.  Musty smell of books and basements.  Gallagher smashing watermelons.  The pop and hiss of old vinyl records, and the absence of the pop and hiss on new vinyl records.  Things that just barely tickle.  American cheese.  Cheddar cheese.  New socks.  Neil Young.  When lightning strikes again and again and again really fast but far away.  Plays by Luigi Pirandello.  Socially brazen stray cats.  Funiculars.  Regional history.  Keith Olberman. Those Easter Island statues.  Pandora Radio.  Russian nesting dolls.  Cola.  When pimples pop themselves.  Early Streisand films.  O Canada.  Major League Baseball’s National League rules.  Women wearing fingerless gloves, or who put their thumbs through self-made holes in their hoodie sleeves.  Also women who wear shower caps.  The charming and endearing music of Henry Mancini.  Cheese crackers.  The moment when you know you’re dreaming, but you’re still dreaming.  Lightning bugs.  Unexpectedly making a roomful of people laugh.  Backscratchers.  Dave Eggers.  French kissing.  A good game of hide-and-seek.  Hanging things on walls.  Sporks.  The New York Times.  Lava lamps.  Peeing when you had to pee so bad.  Those pull-down ladders that let you into crawl-space attics.  Polaroids.  Campfires.  Q-tips.  Shoe horns, although I’ve never used one.  Snuggies.  Drum solos.  Red Bull.  Sweating.  Owls.  Notebooks.  The WWII poetry of Randall Jarrell.  Text messages.  Blistex medicated lip ointment.  Umpires who scream every single strike call, all game long, and point emphatically.  Secondhand clothing.  Airplanes.  The Revolutionary War.  Summer, as hot as possible.  The United States Postal Service.  Protein shakes.  Riding my bike.  Skylines.  What people in the past thought the future was going to be like.  Kate Winslet.  The Appalachians.  Discover magazine.  Recently stained wood.  Looking up television commercials from my childhood on YouTube.  Coffee.  Those station wagons with wood paneling.  Anderson Cooper.  Pictures of my parents when they were children.  The Beatles.  Salt.  The Philadelphia concert venue The Electric Factory.  Hotel rooms, and showers in hotel rooms.  Cleveland.  The moment when you know they are bringing your food to the table.  Multi-colored thumb tacks.  The Philadelphia 76ers.  Brita filtered water.  80s movies about small, strange monsters.  When you can see the clouds overhead moving so fast, so fast.  Pennsylvania.  The free purple-ink pens that Planet Fitness gives out.  President Obama.  Flannel.  Escalators.  24 (the TV show).  Yogurt-covered pretzels.  “Boyshorts”.  Dueling pianos.  Postcards, both current and vintage.  The Johnstown Flood.  Big League Chew.  Those moments when you understand life is just life and enjoy a slice of peace.  Aaron Burr. Skinnydipping.  Hiking.  The moment the lights go down in a movie theater.   Black and white photography.  The ACLU.  Advil.  Instant mashed potatoes.  People playing instruments on the street for money.  The Golden Girls.  Pistachio-flavored anything.  The film scores of Hans Zimmer. Craft stores.  Meatloaf.  Roku.  The Philadelphia Inquirer.  Vermeer.  Putting lotion on my feet.  My mother’s lasagna.  The Erie Seawolves.  The ocean.  I’ve never been to the Cape of Good Hope, but I like it.    Netflix.  Elephants.  The Fourth of July.  Kitchen-cut green beans.  Snapchat.  Early-to-mid-90s Marvel Comics.  The Christmas music of Mariah Carey.  Ten minute naps.  Deep dark secrets.  Mall food courts.  Actually just malls in general.  FORA.tv.  Stoppage time.  Planned Parenthood.  Post-its.  Mirror Balls.  Women wearing anklets or makeup with glitter in it.  Amusement parks, even though I don’t ride rides.  Sundae bars.  Waking up four hours before your alarm is set to go off and contentedly drifting back to sleep.  Stretching.  The best poem I’ve ever read and imagine I ever will read, “Aubade” by Philip Larkin.  Sugar plums.  Newville, Pennsylvania, and its “Fountain Festival”.  The Mullica Hill Amish Farmer’s Market, of South Jersey. Gremlins, one and two.  Moments when I think I might have it all figured out.

Lists

Chances are, you care about none or almost none of my top ten lists presented here.  But you have to live with the fact that this post exists anyway.

It’s no secret that I love making top 10, top 5, or even top 100 lists of the things I love.  Not only do I love making them, but I find having them in the public sphere (ie, my blog) handy from time-to-time, as I’m discussing my favorites of something with someone and I can say, hold on, I actually have my list made, let me link you to it.

Over the past few years, I’ve made a few big lists (bands, books, directors, etc), but I find that some of these change so fast, use of the list in any sort of real-time discussion becomes moot.  So I am here updating them, although a few of them remain relatively the same as their original lists, others have changed drastically.

I am including a list of my top ten favorite movies for the first time since I made a very controversial top-100-movie list 6 or 7 years ago on my MySpace blog (most of which has disappeared for no reason).  This movie list will no doubt cause quite a stir with Kyle; it would also doubtless cause a stir with many of my other movie-centric friends, if in fact any of them still read my blog, the bastards.

All lists are in order, and are a list of my favorites, not what I consider “the best”.

My top ten favorite poets

10.  Randall Jarrell
9.   Jane Kenyon
8.  William Carlos Williams
7.   Sylvia Plath
6.  Billy Collins
5.  Denise Levertov
4.  E.E. Cummings
3.  Robert Creeley
2.  John Updike
1.  Philip Larkin

My top 5 favorite hockey teams

5.  San Jose Sharks
4.  Phoenix Coyotes
3.  Buffalo Sabres
2.  Columbus Blue Jackets
1.  Philadelphia Flyers

My 10 favorite (non-documentary) film directors

10.  Lars von Trier
9.  Sidney Lumet
8.  Terrence Malick
7.  Christopher Nolan
6.  Darren Aronofsky
5.  Danny Boyle
4.  Stanley Kubrick
3.  Werner Herzog
2.  Paul Thomas Anderson
1.  Alfred Hitchcock

My 5 favorite sodas

5.  Coke Zero
4.  Mr. Pibb
3.  RC Cola
2.  Tab
1.  Dr. Pepper

My top five football teams

5.  Detroit Lions
4.  Seattle Seahawks
3.  Buffalo Bills
2.  Cleveland Browns
1.  Philadelphia Eagles

My four favorite seaons

4.  Winter
3.  Autumn
2.  Spring
1.  Summer

My top ten radio shows

10.  Tell Me More (NPR)
9.  Science Friday (NPR)
8.  Mike and Mike in the Morning (ESPN Radio)
7.  On the Media (NPR)
6.  MLB Roundtrip (MLB Radio)
5.  A Praire Home Companion (NPR)
4.  Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!  (NPR)
3.  Talk of the Nation (NPR)
2.  On Point (NPR)
1.  Car Talk (NPR)

My top ten bands

10.  The Beatles
9.  Pearl Jam
8.  Godspeed You! Black Emperor
7.  Seven Mary Three
6.  Death Cab For Cutie
5.  Explosions in the Sky
4.  My Morning Jacket
3.  Band of Horses
2.  The National
1.  Hey Rosetta!

My top ten favorite TV shows

10.  Firefly
9.   Mythbusters
8.  Breaking Bad
7.  Seinfeld
6.  Picket Fences
5.  Carnivale
4.  24
3.  Mad Men
2.  LOST
1.  Northern Exposure

My top 5 baseball teams

5.  Baltimore Orioles
4.  New York Mets
3.  Kansas City Royals
2.  Cleveland Indians
1.  Philadelphia Phillies

My top ten favorite movies

10.  12 Angry Men
9.   Rope
8.  Citizen Kane
7.  Fitzcarraldo
6.  Children of Men
5.  Night of the Hunter
4.  Magnolia
3.  Where the Wild Things Are
2.  I’m Still Here
1.  The Tree of Life

My five favorite novelists

5.  Orson Scott Card
4.  Mark Twain
3.  Dave Eggers
2.  John Kennedy Toole
1.  Kurt Vonnegut

My top 5 (pre-my-birth) presidents

5.  John Adams
4.  Abraham Lincoln
3.  James K. Polk
2.  George Washington
1.  Franklin D. Roosevelt

My ten favorite books

10.  “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” by Dave Eggers
9.  “Maps in a Mirror” by Orson Scott Card
8.  “Slaughterhouse-5” by Kurt Vonnegut
7.  “Dubliners” by James Joyce
6.  “Letters From the Earth” by Mark Twain
5.  “Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut
4.  “The Sun Also Rises” by Ernest Hemingway
3.  “Lord of the Flies” by William Golding
2.  “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole
1.  “The Grapes of Wrath” by John Steinbeck

My ten favorite friends of all-time

Ha!  You thought I was gonna do this one???

My ten favorite albums

10.  “Plans” by Death Cab for Cutie
9.   “Infinite Arms” by Band of Horses
8.   “Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever” by Explosion in the Sky
7.   “Seeds” by Hey Rosetta!
6.  “The Fire in Our Throats Will Beckon the Thaw” by Pelican
5.   “Secret Samadhi” by LIVE
4.   “Abbey Road” by The Beatles
3.   “RockCrown” by Seven Mary Three
2.   “High Violet” by The National
1.  “Into Your Lungs (and Around in Your Heart and On Through Your Blood)” by Hey Rosetta!

Top women I’ve slept with

1.  Seriously, read this

My 59th Favorite Song of All-Time

Click here to learn about this list, or click here to see all previous entries in the list.

…and my 59th favorite song of all-time is:

“Sledgehammer” by Peter Gabriel

It’s a shame that this song is more well-known for it’s groundbreaking video (which I admit is pretty neato) than it is for the pure fantasitcness of the song itself.  Gabriel crafted a catchy, pop-ready tune that features some of the more bold, challenging lyrics you’ll hear on the radio, in any era.  He opens with the line “You could have a steam train if you’d just lay down your tracks”, which is, frankly, one of the most foreceful and gutsy sexual innuendos I’ve ever heard.  And the simple line “I want to be your sledgehammer” is ridiculously ballsy.  Folks, he is really, REALLY talking about some sex here! 

 

My 64th Favorite Song of All-Time

is:

“Ants Marching” by Dave Matthews Band

The song that got me “into” this band initially, making them my favorite band for a good while until I discovered other stuff, and making them the band I saw live the most times until well into my sobriety, when I caught the Pearl Jam live bug.  First, it’s a super catchy song.  And I just love the way it ties in the drudgery of everyday modern life with the inner, intensely emotional and rich lives all of us “ants” have.  The part, “Goes to visit his mommy.  She feeds him well, his concerns he forgets them, and remembers being small…playing under the table and dreaming” constantly chokes me up, almost two decades after I first heard it.  I’ve posted just a live video (which is superb) on account of the band’s reputation as a live act (which is quite earned):

Maghound, Tree of Life, and holy boxes!

1.  Yesterday I learned that one of my nearest and dearest services, Maghound, will be going out of business.  Now, Maghound isn’t famous, and I’ve never mentioned it on this bloggy wog despite being a product evangelist for four years and an early adopter of the service (I signed up in it’s first month of beta testing).  What it is (was) is a service that allows you to recieve a bunch of magazines without subscribing to them, and to change which magazines you get a monthly basis.  I was usually on the 7-a-month plan, so I would choose 7 magazines from their vast selection.  If one month I got, say, Golf Magazine (I never did) and didn’t like it, I could change that slot the next month to get Mother Earth News (great mag).  Maghound wasn’t the method I used to get my favorite magazines—those I always actually subscribe to, the old-fashioned way, but Maghound has been a wonderful way for me to explore new realms of reading, and along the way, I’ve found a lot of publications that I’ve really loved, and been able to get one or two issues of magazines that interest me but not enough to recieve for a whole year.  It really has been a great service (and they have some of the best customer service representatives I’ve ever had to talk to) and I am extremely sad that it is going out of business.  It’s been a part of my life like Netflix is for myself and many others, and it sucks that there’s probably not even a single other person I know who will mourn it with me.  So I say here, on this tiny little bloggy wog:  I’ll miss you, Maghound!

2.  The order I would vote for the films nominated for the Best Picture Oscar (I’ve seen them all):

1.  The Tree of Life
2.  Hugo
3.  The Artist
4.  Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
5.  The Descendants
6.  Midnight in Paris
7.  The Help
8.  Moneyball
9.  War Horse

3.  I’m not a pack rat, but it’s dawned on me recently that I may have a few too many things that I am just “kinda into” that I am constantly accruing for no serious purpose.  For instance, I can’t stop aquiring bags; I love getting messenger bags, sling backpacks,  cargo bags, and, most shamefully, totes.  I essentially have a closet full of these (thankfully inexpensive) things I almost have no use for.  In the summer, when I bike a lot, I have one small backpack that I use exclusively for biking, and one messenger bag (the first one I ever got) that I use when I do things like go to a Starbucks and write and read like a pompus asshole.  These bags are not falling apart anytime soon, so why I keep getting new ones is mystifying.

Likewise, I have about 200 more notebook-type things than I will use in a lifetime.  I simply cannot stop buying composition books (in 3-packs), small yellow legal pads, cheap black patent leather journals (for the love of God, don’t ever buy me a Moleskine journal, I hate them!), planners, and, oddly, these.  Now, I actually do quite a bit of writing, and not just the fancy-schmancy crapola that turns up on ye olde Notes From the Fire, but I’m always making little insignificant lists and writing little cheeseball sayings and quotes from movies and letters to friends, etc etc; I typically have one or two notebooks of various types going for each room of my apartment, and some that travel from room to room for various reasons.  I seriously require 7 or 8 different notebook-type things at any given time.  But I probably have close to a hundred (again…thankfully cheap) things of this nature right now.  I just love buying them. 

Guess what else this weirdo loves?  Boxes.  Not cardboard boxes, but boxes like this and this and this.  Oh, I’ve got them.  Oh, and photo boxes?  Michaels has them on sale for 2 bucks right now and it’s all I can do to keep myself from buying 50.

I guess what I’m saying is…what the hell is wrong with me?

My Favorite Movies of 2011

I don’t have a whole lot to say by way of a prelude here.  Just remember I am calling this list my favorites, not “the best”.  There are very few that I wanted to see that I didn’t get to see; the only ones I can think of off the top of my head are “The Artist”, “Carnage”, and “We Need to Talk About Kevin”.  As in the past, I have not included documentaries in the list, but I have put a non-ordered list of my favorite docs from 2011 at the end of this entry. OK, without further ado, my list:

10.  Mission Impossible:  Ghost Protocol

Just because a movie is a big budget crowd pleaser that isn’t, at it’s core, about deeply held human values or sad things, doesn’t mean it isn’t a hum-dinger of a film.  “MI4” is an expertly-crafted action-spy-drama that at times literally had me on the edge of my seat.  Although I knew Tom Cruise’s Ethan Hunt was not going to perish at any point, director Brad Bird somehow makes you believe he’s going to pull the trigger on him anyway.  And back for his second “mission”, Simon Pegg adds true humor and some believable heart that stops short of being hokey.

9.  Beginners

Hopefully someday our culture can get to a point where we can tell stories about gay folks without everyone having to make a big deal about the fact that it is about gay folks.  That sure was an unwieldy sentence.  Anyway, “Beginners” tells a new kind of story about gay folks: the story of a man in his twilight years, after his wife has died, finally able to “come out” in his final few months before his death; we get to see (in various flashbacks and flash-forwards) how this intense experience effects him and his son.  The father and son are played absolutely perfectly by Christopher Plummer and Ewan McGregor, respectively.  Would be on my short list for a Best Original Screenplay Oscar.

8.  Paranormal Activity 3

This choice will probably get me killed by some of you.  Listen, for all I know, these movies might be horrible.  All I know is, they scare the crap out of me.  I am a full-on believer in the “Blair Witch”-style realism, found-footage method.  Not that I find them all good (see: “The Last Exorcism”), but for the most part, they really scare the crap out of me, and when a horror movie can successfully scare the crap out of me, I am highly appreciative.  And “PA3” scared me even more than the first two.  The Paranormal Activity films continue to do well what most horror films—even found-footage horror films—don’t have the balls to do:  keep quiet and let the content of the film scare us.  That’s what “Blair Witch” did so well and that tradition is very much alive and well in this installment.

7.  The Beaver

  It’s a shame that the controversy surrounding Mel Gibson’s oversize problems all but buried this tiny little drama (directed by Jodie Foster, who also co-stars) about a man so overcome with depression that he resorts to communicating with the outside world through a hand puppet of a beaver.  What’s so amazing is that the premise is, of course, totally ridiculous, but the film pulls it off pitch-perfect, never too serious and never too ridiculous so that by the time the film ends, you are 100% on board.  This is thanks in no small part to keen direction from Foster, but also the best performance of Gibson’s career, which I do not think is faint praise (even in film’s like “Signs” Gibson is an underrated powerhouse).  Hopefully, someday the pallor surrounding Gibson’s off-screen persona will lift, and the world might discover this gem for the first time.

6.  Melancholia

Really, there is not enough space here for me to properly ruminate on director Lars von Trier’s most ambitious (and most commercially successful) film to date.  There is a ton going on, from infidelity, to calm depression, to a rogue planet colliding with the earth causing the end of all life as we know it.  Somewhere in there are metaphors both interesting and obvious, a tremendous use of Wagner’s opera “Tristan and Isolde”, Keifer Sutherland, and some of the most breathtaking cinematography of the year (courtesy of Manuel Alberto Claro, who hasn’t worked with von Trier before, which explains why this doesn’t look like a von Trier movie).  This one really has to be seen to be explained; I implore you to see it.

5.  Hugo

The true genius of Martin Scorsese’s “Hugo” is its ability to play on many intellectual and emotional levels at once without ever coming off as a hoity-toity movie for film snobs, even though one of its most potent undercurrents is an emotional homage to the history of film.  Mixed up in that homage to film are themes on the loss of the ones we love, the desire to live forever, and the infinite sadness of childhood; all these themes are viewed through the prism of the world of “Hugo” as well as through the prism of film itself.  Scorsese manages to make us care about the characters he’s crafted as well as the medium they inhabit with equal passion.  If you are looking for a wonder-filled cinematic thrill ride with an emotional punch, this is for you; if you want to shed a few tears and also try to piece together exactly why you’re crying, “Hugo” will work for that, too.  Oh, and if you missed seeing it in 3D, you missed out big time.

4.  Drive

Ryan Gosling is beyond badass in this highly-stylized, atmospheric mood piece, and Carey Mulligan provides an emotional center in what I consider her true breakthrough performance.  Here, just watch this:

3.  The Future

This all-but ignored sophomore indie drama from Miranda July (her of the extraordinary first-feature “Me and You and Everyone We Know” from 2005) blew me away so much that after I saw it, I sat in stunned silence in my darkened apartment for at least 15 minutes, then showered in the dark for another 15 minutes.  I was no longer thinking about the movie, but my own life.  It is a “drama” about “relationships”, and certainly no film that fits that category has ever been so well-aligned with my own thoughts on the subject (currently largely cynical) while also enlightening me.  Warning: it is told very unconventionally and some elements of it are intentionally annoying, but I have never seen a movie quite like it, and it is deserving of much more acclaim than it has received.

2.  Meek’s Cutoff

In this quiet, deceptively-rambling “Western” (one must call it a Western due to its subject matter, but it hardly fits the genre) very loosely based on real events, the viewer is often unsure exactly what events are transpiring, whose side we are on, or what, really, we’re watching.  Dialogue can be difficult to hear and characters meld together.  And ultimately, the mystifying, vague ending leaves many viewers feeling cheated and let down.  So of course, I found it to be one of the most amazing things I’d ever seen.  The film defiantly skirts film convention in non-flashy ways to tell a story that is mystifying and vague, that questions the way we see good and evil, and leaves us feeling as lost and hopeless as the characters must feel.  How is that for a film being successful:  making the viewers feel the same powerful, horrid emotions it’s characters feel, just as the credits roll and we are left to our own lives with the lights going up.

1.  The Tree of Life

“The Tree of Life” is more than a movie.  It is more than a great film.  It is the guttural, visceral, all-nerves-and-tears experience of love, life after death, and the birth of the cosmos;  “The Tree of Life” is the questions we ask of eternity, and it is even the answers that come back.  Perhaps you think this sounds corny, or that I am overstating the case?  Well, maybe I am, but I don’t think so.  Be warned that this movie is told unconventionally.  It does not (for the most part) have a linear plot.  It has many sections that are designed more to be felt than understood.  It means to convey through images and sound the experience of being alive, and being dead, and being alive after others have died before you have; it means to tie these small, individual human experiences in with the whole of the universe from the beginning of time; it asks what our human presence means to the universe, what it means to us.  And yes, very famously, there are dinosaurs.  And Brad Pitt.  Just watch it.  You might not like it, but it also might change your life.

Movies I also really liked that just missed the cut, in no particular order:  “Margin Call”, “Albert Nobbs”, “The Descendants”, “A Better Life”, “The Conspirator”, “Red State”, “The Muppets”, “Midnight in Paris”, “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”, “Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas”, “The Ides of March”, “J. Edgar”, “Bellflower”, “Insidious”, “Certified Copy”, “Win Win”, “Your Highness”, “Skateland”, “Take Shelter”, “The Rum Diary”, “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”

And my favorite documentaries of 2011:  “The Interrupters”, “Cave of Forgotten Dreams”, “If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front”, “We Were Here”,  “Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times”, “Honest Man: the Life of R. Budd Dwyer”, “Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop”.

All the women I’ve slept with, ranked in order of greatness.

467.  Stewbuilder Janice
466.  Holly the Yegg
465.  Jen Williams
464.  Jill Frill
463.  Lord Dora Still-Dancing
462.  Marion Fitzfancy
461.  Bazino Bazino
460.  Ram Hair-on-Fire
459.  Nit Louse
458.  Gretta Dinsmore Tackadoo
457.  Character Zero
456.  The Silver Jacket Woman
455.  No-Shoulders Jones
454.  Kelly Franklin
453.  Sister Brothery Nabob
452.  Fanny Bannister, the Tree Surgeon
451.  Tarnose Cohen
450.  Mrs. Wilson Fancypants
449.  Flo Dangler
448.  Shawna Stoopback
447.  Wicked Paula Fourteen-Toes
446.  Normal-Faced Olga
445.  Tammy
444.  Tearbaby Hannity
443.  The Damned Swede
442.  Carla Tin-hat
441.  Jammie Jane
440.  Ol’ Barb Stab-you-quick
439.  Mrs. Whist
438.  James Fenimore Cooper
437.  Scoliosis Sarah
436.  Sweet Momma Champagne
435.  Senator Julie Scoffpossum
434.  Monk, the Monkey Man (which is to say: “the Man”)
433.  Nicole the Bunter
432.  Balloonpopper Chillingsworth
431.  Heloise Dummychuck
430.  Finnish Lynn
429.  Roadhouse Ogilvy
428.  A prostitute
427.  Jokestealer Jana
426.  Rhonda Johnson
425.  Dr. Brenda Stainchin
424.  Gila Monster, Jr.
423.  Irontrousers the Strong
422.  Reynaldo Reynaldoson, the father-killer
421.  Henrietta Hsu
420.  Fran Ox-Hands
419.  Ponytail Winthrop
418.  A leather glove
417.  Lil’ Jess Songbird, the songbird eater
416.  Marcy Miller
415.  Meep Meep, the Italian Seamstress
414.  Maria Pumpkin
413.  Bix Shmix
412.  Stun Gun Simpson
411.  Caramel Macchiatto
410.  Female Fonzie
409.  Prostate Debbie
408.  Jemma Jamey
407.  Nora Niggletoggle
406.  Tina Tinasimie
405.  Flea Stick
404.  Niles Butterball, the Frozen Turkey
403.  Chelsea Four-Flush
402.  Stick-Legs McOhio
401.  The Unanswered Question of Ida
400.  Mindy the Human Resources Officer
399.  Guesstimate Jones
398.  Goofus Rendohar
397.  The Duchess Roundbelly DeDelight
396.  Newton Fig
395.  Sue
394.  Chicken Nugget Marge
393.  Bathsheba Ditz
392.  Alice Pockmark, Esquire
391.  Lolly Hoot Holler
390.  Von Skump
389.  Lacy Choke
388.  Chisolm Chesthair
387.  Freak le Freak, the Freakster
386.  Veronica Spangler
385.  The Bedazzler
384.  Rita Mouth-harp
383.  Anderson Cooper
382.  The Fishin’ Physician
381.  Mariah Nix
380. Chrysler LeBaron
379.  Persuasive Francine
378.  Molly Bewigged
377.  Celestial Stubbs
376.  Teary-Eyed Fingal
375.  Cthulhu Cathy
374.  Del Folksy-Beard
373.  Booper O’Montauk
372.  Lois “Charles” Ladyfinger
371.  Zaxxon Galaxian
370.  No-Banjo Brenda.  It’s actually a pretty interesting story about No-Banjo Brenda.  I met her while riding the rails, hobo-style, between Antwerp and Cincinnati.  She wore an afghan as a cape and was as bald as Yul Brenner, but she offered me a can of sardines with bacon sauce and I was immediately in love.  Even hobos hate sardines but we have to pretend; they are like a commodity in the hobo community, much like the Euro, or Spud Webb jerseys.  We rode together for many hours, No-Banjo Brenda and I—in fact, it may have even been days.  At some point, she started telling me about all the songs she had written.  There were no words.  They were instrumentals, written almost entirely for the banjo.  The only problem was, No-Banjo Brenda didn’t have a banjo.  In fact, she had never had a banjo.  In fact, she had never even seen a banjo.  I think she was lucky she’d even heard of a banjo (she may never have, at that, if it hadn’t been part of her name!).  She had composed her banjo tunes entirely in her mind, and had been waiting her whole hobo-drifting life just trying to find a banjo and let the world hear the amazing tunes that had been welling up inside her forever.  She told me about them, and tried humming them, but you know how that goes, humming music.  Everything sounds a little but like a Yngwie Malmsteen solo.  Oh, then we had sex, and she died right afterward.  Damn shame.
369.  Zane Scary
368.  Claire Richards
367.  Norma Miller
366.  Huckle Smothered
365.  MmmmmmmDandy Dundee
364.  Mountain-Humper Edith Ames
363.  Cheesequake Lennox
362.  Terry Gross.  Really.  She’s gross.
361.  Zipgun Gluck
360.  Spooky Night Spooky-Day
359.  Lorna Chickenstock
358.  Sherlock-Holmes-Hat Cindy
357.  Ambidextrous Stang
356.  Yum-Yum Sinclair Snowballeater
355.  Ponzi Scheme Jenny Ponzi
354.  Toodles Skunk
353.  Monkeybars Melinda Manx
352.  Robert the Child-Size
351.  Robert the Wee
350.  Robert Fits-in-a-Case
349.  Missy the Pagan
348.  Black Bolt, King of the Inhumans
347.  Strictly Local Henrietta Bobtail
346.  Fry-Pan Tina Fry
345.  Joan
344.  Knee-Brace Wilma
343.  Cleats Omnipocket
342.  Gyppo Moot
341.  Mastiff Mama
340.  The couch cushion
339.  Cecelia Graveside
338.  Ma Churchill
337.  Pa Churchill
336.  The Ritual Master
335.  Laura Delite
334.  Sausage Patty
333.  The Nine Doctor Whos
332.  Thermos H. Christ
331.  Woody Damn
330.  Extra-Skin Betty
329.  Marnie No-Ears
328.  Linty Sullivan, the lint collector
327.  Dora the Explorer
326.  Ms. Mary Marley, the tailless cat
325.  Free-Peanuts Doug
324.  Enola Coughblood
323.  Zelda Goatflirter
322.  Muriel Mookadooka
321.  The Unshakeable Will of Wade Terps
320.  Tittytwister Francine Horrid
319.  Mallory Many-Bruises
318.  Big-Tipper Silas Fake-Nickel
317.  A box of hair
316.  Kneepants Erasmus
315.  Antlered Maxine
314.  Scarlett Omaha Omaha
313.  Honeypalms Gordon Lips
312.  Scabpicker Sandyrump
311.  Whiskeyblood Judith Sot
310.  Xtina Doublemunch
309.  Accusing Tim
308.  Tennessee Dust Helmet
307.  Telekinetic Darla
306.  Sarah Gluesniff
305.  Bell’s Palsy Brennan
304.  Pamela Chickeneggs
303.  Elihu Skinpockets
302.  Flora Smazell
301.  Carrie Coreleoleo
300.  Don Tomasino di Shit-the-Bed
299.  Markansas
298.  Magnetized Meg
297.  Jemma Brainache
296.  The Black Squirrel Fairy
295.  Andrea Caboose.  I actually once wrote a poem for Andrea Caboose, that goes like this:

Oh Andrea, oh Andrea,
your name rhymes with Pangea,
well…almost,
and I just wanted to mention Pangea
because nothing makes you seem
more intelligent than mentioning Pangea
in a poem,
oh Andrea, oh Andrea,
everyone loves your caboose.

294.  Kid Silverhair, the Person of Indeterminate Age and Gender
293.  Nutrition-Shake Emery
292.  Rheumy Sven
291.  Queen Cotton
290.  Georgeann Gravelshirt
289.  City Hall
288.  Julie Jingle-Jinglehar
287.  Trixie of the East
286.  Trixie of the West
285.  Canadian Trixie
284.  Lowly Highly
283.  Neckfat Trestle
282.  Pansy Overpass
281.  Dilly Shinguards
280.  Not the Goose
279.  Unnervingly Candid Nikki Thain
278.  Business Class Carla
277.  Princess Oystershuck
276.  Prettydimes, the Lamb
275.  Kandee, that Cheerful Fuck
274.  Clareece Dirigible Marsh
273.  Ashen Ashley Buzzard
271.  Tiffany Wilson
270.  El Boot
269.  Three-Bean Otz
268.  Gretchen Amityville Horror
267.  Panzo Spiral-Cut Ham
266.  Amanda Until
265.  Sasha Creak-Knees
264.  Phyllis Marijuana
263.  Bee Beard
262.  Crispus T. Muzzelwitt
261.  Questionable-Judgement Theodore Stomachbrace
260.  Edwina Winnipeg
259.  The Car-Bomb Killer
258.  Lil’ Shorty Longhorn
257.  Katarina Witt.  Well…a picture of Katarina Witt.  It actually may or may not have been a picture of Brian Williams.
256.  Cheryl Simonsimon
255.  Eyepatch Reese Andiron
254.  Stain-Sucker
253.  Heloise False-Lips Real-Teeth
252.  U.S. Fool
251.  Chili-Mix Shar Benson
250.  Whitman Sampler
249.  The Scientist
248.  Helga Gutthrower
247.  Angie Augiemarfel
246.  Crispy Morton
245.  The Moor of Venice
244.  Lord Winston Two-Monocles
243.  Food-Eating Emma
242.  The Hat.  I actually once wrote an incredibly interesting based-on-fact short story about the incredibly interesting day I met the hat.  At the time, she called me “the suit”.  Here it is:

I leaned up against the wall waiting for the scholarship dinner to officially start, my eyes roving back and forth over all the others milling around, engaging in small talk.

Hearing a girl mention a familiar name, I cocked my head to the left to better overhear.

“You should have seen Dr. Noteck’s last exam.  It was crazy!  For one of the questions, we had to draw a pair of pants.  What do pants have to do with English literature?!”

I grimaced sympathetically at this.  Have had Dr. Noteck two semesters in a row, I was very familiar with his, shall I say, eccentric testing style.

I saw her making her way through the crowd of people.  She moved from one group to another, jumping into any conversation that caught her fancy.  From her manner, and that of those with whom she spoke, it was often difficult to tell whether she was acquainted with these people or not.  She seemed to engage with complete strangers as easily as good friends.  Like me, she didn’t seem to belong to any one group.

As she passed nearby (she almost never stopped moving completely), I felt compelled to say something.

“That’s a very…interesting hat you have there,” I said.

She halted and turned around, quickly evaluating me with her eyes.  A wide smile broke out on her face and she answered, “Why, thank you, Suit!  You don’t look bad yourself.”

And a very nice suit it was: black with a jade green tie, gold cuff-links and a tie pin.  My shoes were also black, you may say they were polished to a mirror shine, but no one had bothered to check for a reflection.  My hair was too long; I had kept meaning to shave it all off like I usually did but I’d let it go too long.

Her hat—by far the most conspicuous part of her outfit that night—was a brightly colored jester’s cap, complete with bells.  Out from under it poured a mass of golden-red hair that tumbled all around her bare shoulders.  She wore a camoflage dress not exactly skin-tight, but not far from it, either.

Hat held out her hand.  I—not expecting such a positive reaction—looked at her with a quizically raised eyebrow for a moment before we shook hands.

“Where exactly—”

“—did I get the Hat?”

Irritated at her interruption, I took a short, audible breath (something like a sigh in reverse) before I responded, “Yes.”

“That’s always the first question people ask me.  You would not believe how much attention this hat attracts.”

My expression here hopefully indicated that I could indeed believe how much attention the hat attracted.  Her rapid flow of words, however, continued without pause.

“Me, Michelle, Jen, and Ron went to Ocean City for a week two years ago.  I think the whole purpose of going somewhere like the beach with your friends if for them to drag you into doing things that you’d never do on your own.”

My imagination reeled momentarily trying to imagine just what exactly this girl would do on her own.

She continued, “I’m not sure it’s legal to have that much fun in one week.  We went bungee jumping and water skiing.  If you want a cure for any possible desire to commit suicide by leaping, bungee jumping is your therapy.”

I was about to make it clear that I’d never had any such desire (for leaping suicide or bungee jumping) but I never got the opportunity.

“What else happened that week?” she asked herself and paused briefly before continuing.

I was beginning to be truly amazed at how fast and how long she could speak without pausing for a breath.  I took this brief pause as an opportunity to try to steer her back on topic.

“Yes, but where…?”

“Oh yeah!”  Hat said, with a light-bulb tone.  “I got my ichthus tattoo!  I knew there was something else important that happened that week!  And we—”

Finally I interrupted her.  “Yes, this is all very fascinating, but where did you get the hat?”

“I’m getting to that,” she scolded me.  “As I was saying, while the others lay out on the beach roasting—I have yet to see the attraction in such activities, I can tan perfectly well while in motion—I usually explore some of the shops along the boardwalk.  Most of them are colorful, but boring.  Occasionally, though, some of them have the most incredible—” she looked down a moment and softly muttered “right word, right word”, before looking up suddenly, “outlandish merchandise.  The particular trip I had managed to resuscitete Jen into accompanying me.  I heard her groan oh no.  She saw this hat and knew I couldn’t resist it.  She was right.”

“Ah,” I said, glad to have finally extracted the information from her.

“This summer, we’re planning on going back for a month.  I love the beach.”

“I love everything about it except for sunburn,” I said.

“Until the sheer heat of it drives you into the cool, pulsing ocean.”

The conversation reached a pause her, and just as Hat was turning around to go find someone else to talk to, I asked, “So what’s your major, anyway?”

She looked over her shoulder and then turned to face me again.  “I was thinking of becoming a teacher, but I realized I don’t have the patience.  I finally decided on music.  I play the flute.  Well, I play several instruments.  I play the guitar, too, but I do that quite badly.”  After a brief pause to think, she added, “I play the flute well,” and nodded in satisfaction with this summary.  “My parents were so frustrated with me when I told them my choice.  I believe they said I was ‘wasting the wonderful opportunity of my scholarship’.  As if music were a waste!  How about you, what’s your major?”

Before I could answer, she hit me with another question.

“So, do you think it’s legal to have that much fun in one week?” she asked in a very serious tone.

I drew my breath to answer, then wrinkled my brow in perplexion at the question.

Before I could begin explaining my understanding of the laws on enjoyment quotas, someone on stage tapped the mic a couple times, and people started moving toward their seats.

“Looks like the dinner’s getting started,” I said.  “I guess we’d better get to our tables.  It was nice meeting you.”  I held out my hand to shake hers.

With a wild grin, hat bent down and kissed the back of my hand, spun around, and disappeared into the crowd.

241.  Janice Shortwave
240.  Singleminded Hubbard
239.  No-stick McGee
238.  Merle Buzzard
237.  Nick Nolte
236.  Baldy Lutz
235.  Pickled-Noggin Nettles
234.  Handformed Hamburger Helen
233.  Doris Pitchfork
232.  Two G-Forces
231.  Lucy Burned-Beyond-Recognition
230.  El Caballo, the Spanish Steed
229.  Microbrew Sharon
228.  Rhythmic Abbey
227.  Overload-the-Dishwasher Octavia
226.  Crumbjacket Rachel
225.  Ramona Riprippy
224.  Happy Horace Noosemaker
223.  Mademoiselle Dookie
222.  Wanda Waverly
221.  http://www.crazycats.com
220.  Wendi Frickinfrack
219.  Abelard “Sunken Treasure” Lowtrousers
218.  Bo Bo
217.  a slinky
216.  Somersalting Mark Spitz
215.  Really Redneck Fatnuts
214.  Yakira and her Quaker Oats Box Drum
213.  Pirandello, the Many-Bearded
212.  Caitlyn Bindlestick
211.  Salami Sunshine
210.  Whatever that lizard is that walks on water
209.  Bleedingtoe the Barefoot
208.  Nick Chintz
207.  Treesap-covered Candace
206.  Thor Hammerskold, the Mexican
205.  Bambi Harlequin-Horsefart
204.  One of my closest friends’ mom
203.  Beatrice-Who-Lacks-Fingerprints
202.  Smoke-Collecting Meg
201.  Gunderic Godigiselson
200.  Pontius Cornstalk
199.  Hot Gnome Jimmy Jackson
198.  Shadow (“Blinky”) Preston
197.  Buttery-Cheeks Kacey
196.  Four-Fisted Jock Socko
195.  Dr. Zizmor
194.  Kami Kawasaki
193.  Arizona Ludwig
192.  Silas Swollen
191.  Mountain Woman
190.  “Taxachusetts” Tera
189.  Matter-Hater Leona
188.  Grumple Graxon
187.  Low-Carb Aleks Stovepipe
186.  Salt and Pepper Chest
185.  Huge Crybaby McWeepy
184.  Elffriend Weingarten
183.  Forktongue Fork
182.  Hairlip Libby
181.  Solid First Draft Patton Taylor
180.  Paige Pennyloafers.  I actually drew a picture of Paige Pennyloafers once.  This is it:

179.  Modem Guntherson
178.  Half-Albino Aaliyah
177.  The Treasurer
176.  Captain Slick-Talk
175.  Roundhouse Farter
174.  Fake Cockney Accent Adele Strippe
173.  Red Ball Pnutz
172.  Zahara Zimbalist
171.  Air and Whiskey Doris McGlue
170.  Yasmin RC Airplane
169.  Narcotic Morgan Suds
168.  Narcotic Nelson Suds
167.  Sir Frances Drank
166.  Mahayana
165.  Czech Czarlie Czill
164.  Ssssssssssssssssssssss, the hisser
163.  Thanatos Kelp
162.  Spiderwoman
161.  Gluttonous Slim
160.  Ragweed Wanda
159.  Moray Eel Wilhemina Elmer
158.  Plastic-Moutache Jennifer Tall
157.  Val Gel Insole
156.  Crispy Whiskers
155.  Astonishing Vanna Eyelash
154.  Prabhnoor Jones
153.  Owlie
152.  Johnny Johnny
151.  Anwar the Bionic
150.  Fibery Dana
149.  Cranberry Oppenheimer
148.  Holy Hannah Hottentot-Smythe
147.  Fleabottle Boone
146.  Stupefying P., the Riddle-Maker
145.  The Juror
144.  Yancy something-or-other
143.  Mariah Duckface
142.  Waspwaist Fritz
141.   Sally Hoot-Hoot
140.  Saves-Reciepts Dave
139.  Mrs. Pendleton
138.  Chelsea Bacon
137.  Annie Axe
136.  A Shapeshifting Demon
135.  Sir Walter British
134.  Amanda CeeCee Strobelight
133.  Ida Alva Edison
132.  Leather Apron
131.  Saint Sorryass
130.  Overly Familiar Fung
129.  Chalmers, the Bridge Champ
128.  Clingy
127.  Elephantine Samsonite
126.  Neekerbeeker Perry Tomaz
125.  Teatime BB Stiles
124.  Hubbel “I Predicted the Lindy Hop” Deerblind
123.  Hubie Hewitt, the Broadway Legend
122.  Poo-Knickers Iesha
121.  Amesy Squirrelstomper, the Chipmunk-Preferrer
120.  Baked Salmon Salad Finn
119.  Gabriella Donaldson
118.  Smokestack-Hugger Jools Nygaard
117.  Huge-Calves Edna
116.  Elaine Crackknuckle
115.  William Carlos Williams
114.  Snoops Lightstep Trenchcoat
113.  Ironbelly Norton
112.  Stool Sample Ellen
111.  Monkey’s Paw Patterson
110.  Slim Jim
109.  Mermaid Betty Scales
108.  Myron Biscuitspear, the Dumpster Archaelogist
107.  Old Pliny Dance-for-Ham
106.  Fay Charles
105.  Catscratch Tremont Nude
104.  Warbling Timmy Tin-Voice and his Voice-Box
103.  Rubber Chess
102.  Top Hat Swindlefingers
101.  Jane Crouton
100.  Nbdego Tch!ck
99.   Wormy Glenn and the Nootka Flatworm
98.   Hidalgo, the Artiste
97.   The Fucky from Kentucky
96.   The Man in the Foil Mask
95.   Cambridge Massachusetts Clara
94.   Cyrus the Persian Sturgeon
93.   Little Felicia Spittle
92.   Scrunchie
91.   Jaclyn “the lifestyle” Dammers
90.  Chicken Butt, Five Cents a Cut
89.   Wise Jackayla Babysplitter
88.   Uranus Nancy, the Star-Traveller
86.   Natalie Holowell
85.   The Unformed Twin of Tennessee Dust Helmet
84.   Turkeyballs Paco
83.   Eileen the Indianapolist
82.   Acid-Saliva Curley Stokes
81.   Candy Brennan.  Candy and I spent a lovely holiday together in the Swiss Alps a few years back.  She was a contestant in the World Paper Airplane Loop-the-Loop tournament that was taking place there, and I was doing research for my book, “Why I Hate Tidal Pools and What I Intend to Do About It”, and in between those intense activities, we met in our hotel room for what could only be described as marathon sessions of me pitifully failing to please her and then her crying in the shower.  But somewhere in there, we fell in love.  The problem, however, arose when my hetero life-mate, Ron Gutshall (please read all about our exploits here) showed up while Candy was out flying her paper airplane and I was researching my hatred of tidal pools, and as part of some strange experiment he had been working on for weeks beforehand, he filled our hotel room with rabid Spider Monkeys, mouse traps, and 16oz red Solo cups half filled with bleach.  Needless to say, when Candy returned and I blindly defended Ron (as one is forced to do for one’s hetero lifemate), Candy attempted to storm off in a bout of anger, but Ron silently suffocated her with the palm of his gargantuan right hand while checking his stock updates on his Blackberry with his left hand.  We buried her in the hotel shower and then Ron and I got some Benihana.
80.  Utility-Belt Deana
79.  Smokehouse Frankie Jowl-Poker
78.  Windowkisser Suzanna
77.  Twistback John, the Cracked Disc Sufferer
76.  Horus, the Bird-Headed Fool
75.  Foriegn Tammy, the Strangetalker
74.  Bianca Bettlegrebber
73.  Tabatha Tresselwreck
72.  JR Paperstockings
71.  “X”, the anonymous man or woman
70.  Ghostly Nose Sylvie
69.  Beef-or-Chicken Bob Nubbins
68.  Canadian Football Tasha
67.  Beanface
66.  Sir Mix-a-Lot
65.  The Gimp
64.  Whistling Anus Meacham
63.  Juicepockets Moone
62.  Moosecloak
61.  Sabrina Smith
60.  Ventriloquism Sadie and “Madame”, her talking bean can
59.  Fake Noam Chomsky
58.  Klonopin Claudia
57.  Marian May Wyomingsong
56.  Samantha Warbledarble
55.  Mad or Sad Judd (no one can tell)
54.  Aesop Bedroll
53.  Rocky Shitstain Mankiewicz
52.  Shakira Tiny-Bites
51.  Mayonaisse
50.  Betty the Exorcist
49.  Atlas Flatshoulders
48.  Gin-bucket Greg
47.  Philatelist Joey Licks
46.  Stinging Polly Papercuts
45.  Shanequa Sha-na-na
44.  Billy Butterfly Net
43.  Nicknameless Norris Shine
42.  Sugarhouse Morris the Sapper
41.  Zaphod Beeblebrox
40.  The Honorable Janis Weedfarmer
39.  Nightblind and Snowblind, the Blind twins
38.  Marley Mingle
37.  Shagrat, Orc of the Ozarks
36.  Eustace Feetbeer
35.  Benny Twenty-birds
34.  Amnesiac Jared Stringy
33.  Antigone Spit
32.  PomPom the Texas Dancing Dog
31.  Yuri Trimble, the Alien Pod Person
30.  Sarah Lardblood
29.  Beery Clyde the Eunuch
28.  Milosz the Anarchist Pupeteer
27.  Donna Pina Colada
26.  Ursala Bobenfob
25.  Jonas Tugboy, Professional Masturbator
24.  Cinderfella Dana Dane
23.  Kerosene-Soaked Vivian
22.  Black Bottle Priam
21.  Socks
20.  Pinprick Butell
19.  Tailstump Gunther
18.  Nooney Rockjelly
17.  Ambassador Roasting Pan
16.  Chuck McKindred: No So Holy, but Very Moley
15.  Paula Chiclets
14.  Q the Quantum Woman
13.  Not-So-Raven
12.  Jane the Beekeeper
11.  Unpronounceable
10.  The Beloved Rebecca Thankyounote
9.    Thad Thadly
8.    Chiselchin Cathleen Man
7.    Candle-Eyed Sally
6.    Daphne Zuniga
5.    Fran Frijole
4.    Hazel Marlborough
3.    Not-Racist Whitey
2.    Trombone Snout
1.    Janet Howard.  She was really good.

Seth’s Favorites of 2009: Music

Other favorites of 2009:

Concerts
Magazines
Poetry
Television

Aside from movies (which I am waiting till the last possible moment to do), this was definitely the most difficult year-end round up for me to accomplish.  There was a lot of great music this year!   But after much thought, I’ve come up with a list of albums released in 2009 (or in the last 2 months of 2008) that satisfies me.  And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll go buy all of them!

10.  Phish, Joy

I know what you’re saying…you hate Phish, even if you’ve never really listened to them.  But hey fuckers, even if you’ve listened to Phish before with an open mind and hated them, you may very well enjoy Joy.  The same carefree, love-life aesthetic has remained thematically from their previous work, as well as a lot of the “jam-y” musical elements, and the band has added a new, more serious “rock” sound that lurks behind the hippie jam, and some of the lyrics mask a more sinister, dark level underneath the groovy picnic.  Should please almost everyone.

9.  Cold War Kids, Loyalty to Loyalty

Cold War Kids’ sophomore album was, at first, disappointing.  Upon first listen, I was convinced it was boring.  But repeat attendance to the album proved otherwise.  The band is simply evolving, and rapidly, at that.  After their art-rock debut album, Loyalty to Loyalty gets even more arty while maintaining a rock edge; you just have to listen carefully, because they somehow manage to rock hardest when they stop playing their guitars entirely.  Vocalist and songwriter Nathan Willett continues to explore themes of the dark side of American life: alienation, mass-produced emotions, and the stark terror of celebrity culture.

8. The Decemberists, The Hazards of Love

The Hazards of Love is a legitimate rock opera, telling one unified (if bizarre) story.  Obviously, it is a love story, but one involving forest-dwelling shape-shifters, infanticide, and a children’s chorus.  It’s certainly not for everyone, especially not those with short attention spans, but the album, once appreciated in totality, can then be appreciated song-by-song, and you can even drop a few of the songs succesfully into a good mix disc.  And aside from being a complete work of genius, the album also marks an incredible shift in musical tone for the band: some of these crunchy rock riffs were nearly unimaginable on previous Decemberists albums, and it is exciting to hear a niche band reaching so far outside it’s comfort zone.

7. Grizzly Bear, Veckatimest

I first enountered Grizzly Bear when they opened for Radiohead on their 2008 tour.  I liked them but didn’t love them at the time–I found them a bit too ‘alt-country’ for me.  Then in 2009, they released Veckatimest (named after an island off of Massachusetts), an album that quickly became so critically acclaimed, I had no choice but to go buy it.  And guess what?  It seems their time with Radiohead paid off, as they seem to have borrowed the quiet, electronica-infused sound of Kid A or Amnesiac. When mixed with their already existing alt-country sound, the result is one of the most unique, entrancing albums I’ve ever been forced to buy by rock critics.  Perfect for setting that “romantic” mood, if ye know what I mean.

6.  Cage the Elephant, Cage the Elephant

Straight-up, balls-to-the-wall, cocky, messy, catchy, head-banging motherfucking old school rock and roll!

5.  Modest Mouse, No One’s First, and You’re Next

While technically a collection of B-Sides from their past 4 albums, No One’s First, and You’re Next plays like it’s own album, and for a collection of B-sides, it has more gems than most bands’ regular albums do.  There are more insane guitar sections than one could have hoped for, and Isaac Brock’s depraved, depressed guttural howl is on display in full barbaric force.  I just wish it was longer.

4.  Silversun Pickups, Swoon

Swoon actually has a somewhat lackluster second half, but it has such a gut-pounding, powerful first half that you can’t even hold the second half of the album against these California rockers, who know how to craft a seven-minute, swelling, crashing breaking holy shitting rock song better than anyone else.  Swoon requires patience from the listener on almost every track, but the payoffs are huge.

3.  The Trews, No Time For Later

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the most intellectual bar band in the world!  The Trews somehow manage to craft songs that sound (marvelously) like they belong on a tiny stage at your loal watering hole, while peppering them with insightful, socially concious lyrics and occasional genre-busting time signatures.  They score so high on the list for their pure catchiness that manages to hook you without being saccharine.

2.  The Cape May, Glass Mountain Roads

Wikipedia says this about The Cape May:

“The songs are cenetred around the poetic lyrics of vocalist Clinton St. John, and are lyrical stories of urban dystopia and a culture on the brink.”

Well, hell yes, that’s exactly what it is, and the eerie, shadowy music that backs these lyrics will haunt your dreams.  I knw how corny that sounds, but it’s true!  This is almost certainly the smartest album I’ve ever heard; the fact that it’s relatively emotionless is by design on the band’s part, but alas, is also the only thing keeping it from being #1…

1.  Hey Roestta!, Into Your Lungs and Around in Your Heart and On Through Your Blood

Hey Rosetta!  (the exlamation point is theirs, not mine) is everything I want in a band: smart, emotionally wrenching, serious and funny, rocking and quiet, incredibly poetic, with intense build-ups, prolonged quietudes, and lyrics that reveal our shared humanity.  This album–their second–just might change your life.  Mark my words: if this band isn’t famous in three years, I’ll eat a shoe.  A.  MAZ.  ING.

Some honorable mentions:

Doves, Kingdom of Rust
Death Cab For Cutie, The Open Door EP
Tegan and Sara, Sainthood

As in past years, I’ve made a kickass mix disc highlighting my favortie music of the year.  Want one?  I’ll mail it/bring it to you, just give me your address or let me know where to bring it.  This is the track list of the disc:

1.  “In One Ear” by Cage the Elephant

2.  “Stealing Time from the Faulty Plan” by Phish

3.  “Aint No Rest for the Wicked” by Cage the Elephant

4.  “Paranoid Freak” by The Trews

5.  “Against Privacy” by Cold War Kids

6.  “Spring Flight to the Land of Fire” by The Cape May

7.  “New Goodbye” by Hey Rosetta!

8.  “The Wanting Comes in Waves” by The Decemberists

9.  “The Whale Song” by Modest Mouse

10. “Old and Early Numbers” by The Cape May

11. “Growing Old is Getting Old” by Silversun Pickups

12. “Lions For Scotty” by Hey Rosetta!

13. “The Rake’s Song” by The Decemberists

14. “Something is Not Right With Me” by Cold War Kids

15. “The Royal We” by Silversun Pickups

16. “I’ve Been Asleep For a Long, Long Time” by Hey Rosetta!

17. “Foreground” by Grizzly Bear