The other day, I was driving and I saw someone use one of the hand signals you are supposed to use to signal a turn if your turn signals aren’t working. It got me thinking about nonverbal hand signals we can use to other drivers on the road. There are the turning hand gestures, the “you go first” gesture, and “the bird”, and that’s about it. It got me thinking how great it would be if we had a longer list of “official” hand gestures we could use to easily communicate to other drivers. Here is a partial list of what I think would be very useful for us all to learn, although I have no idea what the actual gestures would look like, but we need some that mean these things:
–“I know you waved me to go first, but really, I think you should go first.”
–“I’m only changing lanes really briefly.”
–“I’d prefer you not drive that close to me.”
–“Are you a police officer?”
–“I really like your sunglasses.”
–“I still buy CDs.”
–“Who is your favorite Golden Girl?” (note: there would need to be hand signals for each Golden Girl, including Stanley.)
–“I wish I could grow a mustache.”
–“I am not personally responsible for this traffic jam. Would you like to get to the bottom of who is?”
–“I’m really more of a ‘dog person’.”
–“How about this weather?”
–“I can give you some pointers on how to go vegan, if you’d like.”
–“Do you happen to have a bathroom in your car?”
–“Wow! We’re both going super fast!”
–“Stop texting!”
–“Evolution is not a theory.”
–“You know, fellow traveler, driving down this nondescript highway, in a car I am indebted to, toward a job I hate, has me feeling like just a cog in a sinister capitalist machine. Good day to you!”
–“I just had carpal tunnel surgery.”
–“*HAZARD LIGHTS*”
–“I wouldn’t mind learning the art of topiary gardening.”
These are just a sampling of the standardized hand gestures that I feel could make our lives easier. Are there any I have left out? Leave your suggestions in the comments!
Copy the application, and paste in an e-mail, along with your answers, to sdellinger1978@gmail.com. You will receive a reply within two shakes of a lamb’s tail.
1. What is your favorite season, and why?
2. Rank the following authors in order of their academic relevance:
–Barbara Kingsolver
–Wally Lamb
–Thomas Pynchon
–Dave Eggers
–Stephen King
3. Do you think gay people should have the right to marry each other?
4. Say you and I go out to dinner at a diner. Not a fancy place, just a straight-forward diner. The waitress is not a bitch, but she isn’t very nice. The food comes out on time and is of an acceptable nature. The bill totals $18. How much do you tip?
5. On a scale of 1-10, to what degree would you say you have a “badonk a donk”?
6. Without using the internet, can you name a poem by Robert Frost? Nevermind, I have no way of knowing if you used the internet.
7. If you could move anywhere in the world, where would it be?
8. You can have a full bedroom set made out of walnut or cherry. Which do you choose?
9. What is the best shape of pasta?
10. Do you own any white denim pants?
11. What is the ideal amount of band members to be in a rock band?
12. I need lots of my own space and am frequently grumpy and sensitive. There’s not a question here, I’m just letting you know.
13. What is the farthest you would drive to see a Revolutionary or Civil War battlefield? Don’t lie to me about this, I’ll know.
14. Salt or pepper?
15. Discuss the last time you thought the Academy Awards got the Best Picture award correct.
16. If you could choose one animal to represent you, what would it be, and why?
17. What did you score on the SATs? I didn’t do that great, I’m just wondering.
This is a real article from yesterday’s South Jersey Times. Every time I read it, I laugh out loud, at almost every paragraph. The actual event was probably not that funny, but the way the writer chose to word things just kills me.
Posted in Snippet with tags humor, sex on September 8, 2012 by sethdellinger
1. Putting on a Second Coat of Paint
2. Taking the 6am Flight to Sydney
3. Re-enacting the Signing of the Treaty of Versailles
4. Jaming the Toast
5. Betting on the Jumping Frog
6. Putting Salt on the Snail
7. Editing a Microsoft Word Document
8. Duck Duck Goose Gossage
9. Inflating the Blimp
10. Throwing Pincher Bugs on the Campfire
11. Dunking the Ccino
12. Running Down to First and Feeling Something Burst
13. Burning Down the Nightclub
14. Voting for Pedro
15. Chimmying the Changa
Click here to read about this list, or click here to see all previous entries on the list.
…and my 53rd favorite song of all-time is:
“Call Me Al” by Paul Simon
I have no specific memory of my father and I enjoying this song together, but in my mind, this song was one of the first instances of my being aware that my father and I shared the same sense of humor. The video, featuring Chevy Chase famously lip syncing and doing all kinds of crazy stuff, I know tickled both my father and I, and the lyrics, seemingly nonsensical, certainly hit both of us in our funny bone sweet-spot. I’ve continued to love it more and more as I get older, especially as I realize the verses seem to contain serious material, seemingly unconnected to the nonsense chorus…always leaving me to wonder how much is nonsense, and how much is the work of a genius, working far over our heads.
Last night, I called my friend Kyle to try to help him with a phone problem he was having. The first call unexpectedly went to voicemail, and I thought I’d leave him an interesting one. Using something like a cartoonish gangster 50s-era Brooklyn accent, I went on a long, stream-of-consciousness tirade that made almost no sense. I’m certain it wasn’t comedy gold—perhaps just a little interesting. But it got funny when Kyle e-mailed me a little later saying that Google Voice had transcribed the message, or at least, what it THOUGHT it had heard. I suppose the program was confused by the accent and the speed at which I spoke. The transcription is below. It is amazing just HOW wrong it is. I said almost none of these words. (interestingly, I didn’t even say the names it uses! I think the only name I said was Frank). The only words I recognize as having used are Frank, Pickles, Key, and Meet. Thanks, Google Voice, for a great laugh!
Bill, Wayne Anderson. Here there buddy there, but I’m lying Towers guy. They’re, weighing fishermen. Frank this a number that is exactly the other day and I was walking around the world of Pickles and i was like in the building another. The because of the been fickle. Look, I don’t know from the close. What I’m trying to sell used. I don’t have the key it in the comment tonight. Alright, I can meet today without the key. You know I don’t know where you live. I don’t know what I mean. I don’t know what the story. I don’t know whether golf balls well, but I don’t know if you knew and I. If you wanna. I had to go out to the possibly work with Chef and you wanted to add. I will come to your house and I will be Vicky, alright, do a complete and clear one alright. Bye bye.
Recently, when I was making the blog entry “Remember Me as a Time of Day“, I was going through old home movies, trying to figure out which ones to use for the blog entry. I was especially taken by a movie made by myself and two of my best friends from high school, Brock and Jeremy (both of whom, despite the miracle nature of the internet, I have no contact with) called “The Adventures of Kiteman”. It is horribly made (we only had an old VHS camcorder and our only method of editing was rewinding the tape and beginning filming where we wanted the cut to be, resulting in some pretty unintentional hilarity), but despite it’s enormous flaws (and the fact that it’s only a third completed) I find some moments of true genius in it. So I figured I’d upload it all to the internet. Unfortunately, I don’t have a convenient way to digitize the VHS, so what you have here is the tape filmed off a tube television onto my digitial camera (I was even a tad too lazy to hook my VCR up to my flat screen). “Kiteman”s run time is around 18 minutes, and YouTube’s time limit is 15 minutes, so I had to split the movie into two parts.
The names on the opening credits are clearly not our names, they are our “stage names”. Also, caution to those offended by strong language. PSS, thanks to both my parents for turning in star performances here!
I never would have killed that many people if I thought animals were going to end up eating them. I may be cruel, but I’m not funny.
–from my unwritten novel For the Umpteenth Time
Across all of time, from the earliest spark of recorded peopled history to a future so distant we cannot possibly grasp the nature of it, no organism–human or otherwise–had ever driven has poorly as Maggie Mildorf.
–from my unwritten novel Just a Few More Rules
Yes, I experience sexual excitement via emasculation. This has always greatly complicated my relationship with my mother-in-law.
–from my unwritten short story Oh No, Not Again
This is how you scream when your hot air balloon is falling from the sky.
–from my unwritten novel Hey, Would You Wear This as a Hat?
Chad Monroe sat down into a puddle of his own urine. This, as you may imagine, was nothing new.
Click here to learn about this list. You can also click on the link in this entry that says “100 Favorite Songs” to see all the song’s entries.
First, a re-cap of the first ten:
100. “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something
99. “Jack & Diane” by John Mellencamp
98. “Hotel California” by The Eagles
97. “American Pie” by Don McLean
96. “Don’t Stop till You Get Enough” by Michael Jackson
95. “Nuthin’ but a G Thang” by Dr. Dre
94. “Bushwick Blues” by Delta Spirit
93. “For the Workforce, Drowning” by Thursday
92. “Fish Heads” by Barnes and Barnes
91. “Shimmer” by Fuel
And the 90th…
“Rubber Biscuit” by the Blues Brothers
Sometime, at some unrecollected moment when I was very young, my mom and maybe my sister and I, sat around our old kitchen in Newville, listening to this song on a first-gen “boombox”, and I know that at the very least, I laughed my ass off for about a dozen consecutive plays of the song. I remember it was a cassette tape that my mother had of the band playing live; in fact, it was undoubtedly the version in the YouTube video below. Although it was something we only listened to on a few occasions, I still often recall it fondly. Usually, odd, unfinished chunks of language remind me of the verses. And biscuits always make me think of it. I will say, it is much funnier without the video attached; although they are clearly a talented band, my child’s-mind’s-eye made it much more entertaining.
467. Stewbuilder Janice
466. Holly the Yegg
465. Jen Williams
464. Jill Frill
463. Lord Dora Still-Dancing
462. Marion Fitzfancy
461. Bazino Bazino
460. Ram Hair-on-Fire
459. Nit Louse
458. Gretta Dinsmore Tackadoo
457. Character Zero
456. The Silver Jacket Woman
455. No-Shoulders Jones
454. Kelly Franklin
453. Sister Brothery Nabob
452. Fanny Bannister, the Tree Surgeon
451. Tarnose Cohen
450. Mrs. Wilson Fancypants
449. Flo Dangler
448. Shawna Stoopback
447. Wicked Paula Fourteen-Toes
446. Normal-Faced Olga
445. Tammy
444. Tearbaby Hannity
443. The Damned Swede
442. Carla Tin-hat
441. Jammie Jane
440. Ol’ Barb Stab-you-quick
439. Mrs. Whist
438. James Fenimore Cooper
437. Scoliosis Sarah
436. Sweet Momma Champagne
435. Senator Julie Scoffpossum
434. Monk, the Monkey Man (which is to say: “the Man”)
433. Nicole the Bunter
432. Balloonpopper Chillingsworth
431. Heloise Dummychuck
430. Finnish Lynn
429. Roadhouse Ogilvy
428. A prostitute
427. Jokestealer Jana
426. Rhonda Johnson
425. Dr. Brenda Stainchin
424. Gila Monster, Jr.
423. Irontrousers the Strong
422. Reynaldo Reynaldoson, the father-killer
421. Henrietta Hsu
420. Fran Ox-Hands
419. Ponytail Winthrop
418. A leather glove
417. Lil’ Jess Songbird, the songbird eater
416. Marcy Miller
415. Meep Meep, the Italian Seamstress
414. Maria Pumpkin
413. Bix Shmix
412. Stun Gun Simpson
411. Caramel Macchiatto
410. Female Fonzie
409. Prostate Debbie
408. Jemma Jamey
407. Nora Niggletoggle
406. Tina Tinasimie
405. Flea Stick
404. Niles Butterball, the Frozen Turkey
403. Chelsea Four-Flush
402. Stick-Legs McOhio
401. The Unanswered Question of Ida
400. Mindy the Human Resources Officer
399. Guesstimate Jones
398. Goofus Rendohar
397. The Duchess Roundbelly DeDelight
396. Newton Fig
395. Sue
394. Chicken Nugget Marge
393. Bathsheba Ditz
392. Alice Pockmark, Esquire
391. Lolly Hoot Holler
390. Von Skump
389. Lacy Choke
388. Chisolm Chesthair
387. Freak le Freak, the Freakster
386. Veronica Spangler
385. The Bedazzler
384. Rita Mouth-harp
383. Anderson Cooper
382. The Fishin’ Physician
381. Mariah Nix
380. Chrysler LeBaron
379. Persuasive Francine
378. Molly Bewigged
377. Celestial Stubbs
376. Teary-Eyed Fingal
375. Cthulhu Cathy
374. Del Folksy-Beard
373. Booper O’Montauk
372. Lois “Charles” Ladyfinger
371. Zaxxon Galaxian
370. No-Banjo Brenda. It’s actually a pretty interesting story about No-Banjo Brenda. I met her while riding the rails, hobo-style, between Antwerp and Cincinnati. She wore an afghan as a cape and was as bald as Yul Brenner, but she offered me a can of sardines with bacon sauce and I was immediately in love. Even hobos hate sardines but we have to pretend; they are like a commodity in the hobo community, much like the Euro, or Spud Webb jerseys. We rode together for many hours, No-Banjo Brenda and I—in fact, it may have even been days. At some point, she started telling me about all the songs she had written. There were no words. They were instrumentals, written almost entirely for the banjo. The only problem was, No-Banjo Brenda didn’t have a banjo. In fact, she had never had a banjo. In fact, she had never even seen a banjo. I think she was lucky she’d even heard of a banjo (she may never have, at that, if it hadn’t been part of her name!). She had composed her banjo tunes entirely in her mind, and had been waiting her whole hobo-drifting life just trying to find a banjo and let the world hear the amazing tunes that had been welling up inside her forever. She told me about them, and tried humming them, but you know how that goes, humming music. Everything sounds a little but like a Yngwie Malmsteen solo. Oh, then we had sex, and she died right afterward. Damn shame.
369. Zane Scary
368. Claire Richards
367. Norma Miller
366. Huckle Smothered
365. MmmmmmmDandy Dundee
364. Mountain-Humper Edith Ames
363. Cheesequake Lennox
362. Terry Gross. Really. She’s gross.
361. Zipgun Gluck
360. Spooky Night Spooky-Day
359. Lorna Chickenstock
358. Sherlock-Holmes-Hat Cindy
357. Ambidextrous Stang
356. Yum-Yum Sinclair Snowballeater
355. Ponzi Scheme Jenny Ponzi
354. Toodles Skunk
353. Monkeybars Melinda Manx
352. Robert the Child-Size
351. Robert the Wee
350. Robert Fits-in-a-Case
349. Missy the Pagan
348. Black Bolt, King of the Inhumans
347. Strictly Local Henrietta Bobtail
346. Fry-Pan Tina Fry
345. Joan
344. Knee-Brace Wilma
343. Cleats Omnipocket
342. Gyppo Moot
341. Mastiff Mama
340. The couch cushion
339. Cecelia Graveside
338. Ma Churchill
337. Pa Churchill
336. The Ritual Master
335. Laura Delite
334. Sausage Patty
333. The Nine Doctor Whos
332. Thermos H. Christ
331. Woody Damn
330. Extra-Skin Betty
329. Marnie No-Ears
328. Linty Sullivan, the lint collector
327. Dora the Explorer
326. Ms. Mary Marley, the tailless cat
325. Free-Peanuts Doug
324. Enola Coughblood
323. Zelda Goatflirter
322. Muriel Mookadooka
321. The Unshakeable Will of Wade Terps
320. Tittytwister Francine Horrid
319. Mallory Many-Bruises
318. Big-Tipper Silas Fake-Nickel
317. A box of hair
316. Kneepants Erasmus
315. Antlered Maxine
314. Scarlett Omaha Omaha
313. Honeypalms Gordon Lips
312. Scabpicker Sandyrump
311. Whiskeyblood Judith Sot
310. Xtina Doublemunch
309. Accusing Tim
308. Tennessee Dust Helmet
307. Telekinetic Darla
306. Sarah Gluesniff
305. Bell’s Palsy Brennan
304. Pamela Chickeneggs
303. Elihu Skinpockets
302. Flora Smazell
301. Carrie Coreleoleo
300. Don Tomasino di Shit-the-Bed
299. Markansas
298. Magnetized Meg
297. Jemma Brainache
296. The Black Squirrel Fairy
295. Andrea Caboose. I actually once wrote a poem for Andrea Caboose, that goes like this:
Oh Andrea, oh Andrea,
your name rhymes with Pangea,
well…almost,
and I just wanted to mention Pangea
because nothing makes you seem
more intelligent than mentioning Pangea
in a poem,
oh Andrea, oh Andrea,
everyone loves your caboose.
294. Kid Silverhair, the Person of Indeterminate Age and Gender
293. Nutrition-Shake Emery
292. Rheumy Sven
291. Queen Cotton
290. Georgeann Gravelshirt
289. City Hall
288. Julie Jingle-Jinglehar
287. Trixie of the East
286. Trixie of the West
285. Canadian Trixie
284. Lowly Highly
283. Neckfat Trestle
282. Pansy Overpass
281. Dilly Shinguards
280. Not the Goose
279. Unnervingly Candid Nikki Thain
278. Business Class Carla
277. Princess Oystershuck
276. Prettydimes, the Lamb
275. Kandee, that Cheerful Fuck
274. Clareece Dirigible Marsh
273. Ashen Ashley Buzzard
271. Tiffany Wilson
270. El Boot
269. Three-Bean Otz
268. Gretchen Amityville Horror
267. Panzo Spiral-Cut Ham
266. Amanda Until
265. Sasha Creak-Knees
264. Phyllis Marijuana
263. Bee Beard
262. Crispus T. Muzzelwitt
261. Questionable-Judgement Theodore Stomachbrace
260. Edwina Winnipeg
259. The Car-Bomb Killer
258. Lil’ Shorty Longhorn
257. Katarina Witt. Well…a picture of Katarina Witt. It actually may or may not have been a picture of Brian Williams.
256. Cheryl Simonsimon
255. Eyepatch Reese Andiron
254. Stain-Sucker
253. Heloise False-Lips Real-Teeth
252. U.S. Fool
251. Chili-Mix Shar Benson
250. Whitman Sampler
249. The Scientist
248. Helga Gutthrower
247. Angie Augiemarfel
246. Crispy Morton
245. The Moor of Venice
244. Lord Winston Two-Monocles
243. Food-Eating Emma
242. The Hat. I actually once wrote an incredibly interesting based-on-fact short story about the incredibly interesting day I met the hat. At the time, she called me “the suit”. Here it is:
I leaned up against the wall waiting for the scholarship dinner to officially start, my eyes roving back and forth over all the others milling around, engaging in small talk.
Hearing a girl mention a familiar name, I cocked my head to the left to better overhear.
“You should have seen Dr. Noteck’s last exam. It was crazy! For one of the questions, we had to draw a pair of pants. What do pants have to do with English literature?!”
I grimaced sympathetically at this. Have had Dr. Noteck two semesters in a row, I was very familiar with his, shall I say, eccentric testing style.
I saw her making her way through the crowd of people. She moved from one group to another, jumping into any conversation that caught her fancy. From her manner, and that of those with whom she spoke, it was often difficult to tell whether she was acquainted with these people or not. She seemed to engage with complete strangers as easily as good friends. Like me, she didn’t seem to belong to any one group.
As she passed nearby (she almost never stopped moving completely), I felt compelled to say something.
“That’s a very…interesting hat you have there,” I said.
She halted and turned around, quickly evaluating me with her eyes. A wide smile broke out on her face and she answered, “Why, thank you, Suit! You don’t look bad yourself.”
And a very nice suit it was: black with a jade green tie, gold cuff-links and a tie pin. My shoes were also black, you may say they were polished to a mirror shine, but no one had bothered to check for a reflection. My hair was too long; I had kept meaning to shave it all off like I usually did but I’d let it go too long.
Her hat—by far the most conspicuous part of her outfit that night—was a brightly colored jester’s cap, complete with bells. Out from under it poured a mass of golden-red hair that tumbled all around her bare shoulders. She wore a camoflage dress not exactly skin-tight, but not far from it, either.
Hat held out her hand. I—not expecting such a positive reaction—looked at her with a quizically raised eyebrow for a moment before we shook hands.
“Where exactly—”
“—did I get the Hat?”
Irritated at her interruption, I took a short, audible breath (something like a sigh in reverse) before I responded, “Yes.”
“That’s always the first question people ask me. You would not believe how much attention this hat attracts.”
My expression here hopefully indicated that I could indeed believe how much attention the hat attracted. Her rapid flow of words, however, continued without pause.
“Me, Michelle, Jen, and Ron went to Ocean City for a week two years ago. I think the whole purpose of going somewhere like the beach with your friends if for them to drag you into doing things that you’d never do on your own.”
My imagination reeled momentarily trying to imagine just what exactly this girl would do on her own.
She continued, “I’m not sure it’s legal to have that much fun in one week. We went bungee jumping and water skiing. If you want a cure for any possible desire to commit suicide by leaping, bungee jumping is your therapy.”
I was about to make it clear that I’d never had any such desire (for leaping suicide or bungee jumping) but I never got the opportunity.
“What else happened that week?” she asked herself and paused briefly before continuing.
I was beginning to be truly amazed at how fast and how long she could speak without pausing for a breath. I took this brief pause as an opportunity to try to steer her back on topic.
“Yes, but where…?”
“Oh yeah!” Hat said, with a light-bulb tone. “I got my ichthus tattoo! I knew there was something else important that happened that week! And we—”
Finally I interrupted her. “Yes, this is all very fascinating, but where did you get the hat?”
“I’m getting to that,” she scolded me. “As I was saying, while the others lay out on the beach roasting—I have yet to see the attraction in such activities, I can tan perfectly well while in motion—I usually explore some of the shops along the boardwalk. Most of them are colorful, but boring. Occasionally, though, some of them have the most incredible—” she looked down a moment and softly muttered “right word, right word”, before looking up suddenly, “outlandish merchandise. The particular trip I had managed to resuscitete Jen into accompanying me. I heard her groan oh no. She saw this hat and knew I couldn’t resist it. She was right.”
“Ah,” I said, glad to have finally extracted the information from her.
“This summer, we’re planning on going back for a month. I love the beach.”
“I love everything about it except for sunburn,” I said.
“Until the sheer heat of it drives you into the cool, pulsing ocean.”
The conversation reached a pause her, and just as Hat was turning around to go find someone else to talk to, I asked, “So what’s your major, anyway?”
She looked over her shoulder and then turned to face me again. “I was thinking of becoming a teacher, but I realized I don’t have the patience. I finally decided on music. I play the flute. Well, I play several instruments. I play the guitar, too, but I do that quite badly.” After a brief pause to think, she added, “I play the flute well,” and nodded in satisfaction with this summary. “My parents were so frustrated with me when I told them my choice. I believe they said I was ‘wasting the wonderful opportunity of my scholarship’. As if music were a waste! How about you, what’s your major?”
Before I could answer, she hit me with another question.
“So, do you think it’s legal to have that much fun in one week?” she asked in a very serious tone.
I drew my breath to answer, then wrinkled my brow in perplexion at the question.
Before I could begin explaining my understanding of the laws on enjoyment quotas, someone on stage tapped the mic a couple times, and people started moving toward their seats.
“Looks like the dinner’s getting started,” I said. “I guess we’d better get to our tables. It was nice meeting you.” I held out my hand to shake hers.
With a wild grin, hat bent down and kissed the back of my hand, spun around, and disappeared into the crowd.
241. Janice Shortwave
240. Singleminded Hubbard
239. No-stick McGee
238. Merle Buzzard
237. Nick Nolte
236. Baldy Lutz
235. Pickled-Noggin Nettles
234. Handformed Hamburger Helen
233. Doris Pitchfork
232. Two G-Forces
231. Lucy Burned-Beyond-Recognition
230. El Caballo, the Spanish Steed
229. Microbrew Sharon
228. Rhythmic Abbey
227. Overload-the-Dishwasher Octavia
226. Crumbjacket Rachel
225. Ramona Riprippy
224. Happy Horace Noosemaker
223. Mademoiselle Dookie
222. Wanda Waverly
221. http://www.crazycats.com
220. Wendi Frickinfrack
219. Abelard “Sunken Treasure” Lowtrousers
218. Bo Bo
217. a slinky
216. Somersalting Mark Spitz
215. Really Redneck Fatnuts
214. Yakira and her Quaker Oats Box Drum
213. Pirandello, the Many-Bearded
212. Caitlyn Bindlestick
211. Salami Sunshine
210. Whatever that lizard is that walks on water
209. Bleedingtoe the Barefoot
208. Nick Chintz
207. Treesap-covered Candace
206. Thor Hammerskold, the Mexican
205. Bambi Harlequin-Horsefart
204. One of my closest friends’ mom
203. Beatrice-Who-Lacks-Fingerprints
202. Smoke-Collecting Meg
201. Gunderic Godigiselson
200. Pontius Cornstalk
199. Hot Gnome Jimmy Jackson
198. Shadow (“Blinky”) Preston
197. Buttery-Cheeks Kacey
196. Four-Fisted Jock Socko
195. Dr. Zizmor
194. Kami Kawasaki
193. Arizona Ludwig
192. Silas Swollen
191. Mountain Woman
190. “Taxachusetts” Tera
189. Matter-Hater Leona
188. Grumple Graxon
187. Low-Carb Aleks Stovepipe
186. Salt and Pepper Chest
185. Huge Crybaby McWeepy
184. Elffriend Weingarten
183. Forktongue Fork
182. Hairlip Libby
181. Solid First Draft Patton Taylor
180. Paige Pennyloafers. I actually drew a picture of Paige Pennyloafers once. This is it:
179. Modem Guntherson
178. Half-Albino Aaliyah
177. The Treasurer
176. Captain Slick-Talk
175. Roundhouse Farter
174. Fake Cockney Accent Adele Strippe
173. Red Ball Pnutz
172. Zahara Zimbalist
171. Air and Whiskey Doris McGlue
170. Yasmin RC Airplane
169. Narcotic Morgan Suds
168. Narcotic Nelson Suds
167. Sir Frances Drank
166. Mahayana
165. Czech Czarlie Czill
164. Ssssssssssssssssssssss, the hisser
163. Thanatos Kelp
162. Spiderwoman
161. Gluttonous Slim
160. Ragweed Wanda
159. Moray Eel Wilhemina Elmer
158. Plastic-Moutache Jennifer Tall
157. Val Gel Insole
156. Crispy Whiskers
155. Astonishing Vanna Eyelash
154. Prabhnoor Jones
153. Owlie
152. Johnny Johnny
151. Anwar the Bionic
150. Fibery Dana
149. Cranberry Oppenheimer
148. Holy Hannah Hottentot-Smythe
147. Fleabottle Boone
146. Stupefying P., the Riddle-Maker
145. The Juror
144. Yancy something-or-other
143. Mariah Duckface
142. Waspwaist Fritz
141. Sally Hoot-Hoot
140. Saves-Reciepts Dave
139. Mrs. Pendleton
138. Chelsea Bacon
137. Annie Axe
136. A Shapeshifting Demon
135. Sir Walter British
134. Amanda CeeCee Strobelight
133. Ida Alva Edison
132. Leather Apron
131. Saint Sorryass
130. Overly Familiar Fung
129. Chalmers, the Bridge Champ
128. Clingy
127. Elephantine Samsonite
126. Neekerbeeker Perry Tomaz
125. Teatime BB Stiles
124. Hubbel “I Predicted the Lindy Hop” Deerblind
123. Hubie Hewitt, the Broadway Legend
122. Poo-Knickers Iesha
121. Amesy Squirrelstomper, the Chipmunk-Preferrer
120. Baked Salmon Salad Finn
119. Gabriella Donaldson
118. Smokestack-Hugger Jools Nygaard
117. Huge-Calves Edna
116. Elaine Crackknuckle
115. William Carlos Williams
114. Snoops Lightstep Trenchcoat
113. Ironbelly Norton
112. Stool Sample Ellen
111. Monkey’s Paw Patterson
110. Slim Jim
109. Mermaid Betty Scales
108. Myron Biscuitspear, the Dumpster Archaelogist
107. Old Pliny Dance-for-Ham
106. Fay Charles
105. Catscratch Tremont Nude
104. Warbling Timmy Tin-Voice and his Voice-Box
103. Rubber Chess
102. Top Hat Swindlefingers
101. Jane Crouton
100. Nbdego Tch!ck
99. Wormy Glenn and the Nootka Flatworm
98. Hidalgo, the Artiste
97. The Fucky from Kentucky
96. The Man in the Foil Mask
95. Cambridge Massachusetts Clara
94. Cyrus the Persian Sturgeon
93. Little Felicia Spittle
92. Scrunchie
91. Jaclyn “the lifestyle” Dammers
90. Chicken Butt, Five Cents a Cut
89. Wise Jackayla Babysplitter
88. Uranus Nancy, the Star-Traveller
86. Natalie Holowell
85. The Unformed Twin of Tennessee Dust Helmet
84. Turkeyballs Paco
83. Eileen the Indianapolist
82. Acid-Saliva Curley Stokes
81. Candy Brennan. Candy and I spent a lovely holiday together in the Swiss Alps a few years back. She was a contestant in the World Paper Airplane Loop-the-Loop tournament that was taking place there, and I was doing research for my book, “Why I Hate Tidal Pools and What I Intend to Do About It”, and in between those intense activities, we met in our hotel room for what could only be described as marathon sessions of me pitifully failing to please her and then her crying in the shower. But somewhere in there, we fell in love. The problem, however, arose when my hetero life-mate, Ron Gutshall (please read all about our exploits here) showed up while Candy was out flying her paper airplane and I was researching my hatred of tidal pools, and as part of some strange experiment he had been working on for weeks beforehand, he filled our hotel room with rabid Spider Monkeys, mouse traps, and 16oz red Solo cups half filled with bleach. Needless to say, when Candy returned and I blindly defended Ron (as one is forced to do for one’s hetero lifemate), Candy attempted to storm off in a bout of anger, but Ron silently suffocated her with the palm of his gargantuan right hand while checking his stock updates on his Blackberry with his left hand. We buried her in the hotel shower and then Ron and I got some Benihana.
80. Utility-Belt Deana
79. Smokehouse Frankie Jowl-Poker
78. Windowkisser Suzanna
77. Twistback John, the Cracked Disc Sufferer
76. Horus, the Bird-Headed Fool
75. Foriegn Tammy, the Strangetalker
74. Bianca Bettlegrebber
73. Tabatha Tresselwreck
72. JR Paperstockings
71. “X”, the anonymous man or woman
70. Ghostly Nose Sylvie
69. Beef-or-Chicken Bob Nubbins
68. Canadian Football Tasha
67. Beanface
66. Sir Mix-a-Lot
65. The Gimp
64. Whistling Anus Meacham
63. Juicepockets Moone
62. Moosecloak
61. Sabrina Smith
60. Ventriloquism Sadie and “Madame”, her talking bean can
59. Fake Noam Chomsky
58. Klonopin Claudia
57. Marian May Wyomingsong
56. Samantha Warbledarble
55. Mad or Sad Judd (no one can tell)
54. Aesop Bedroll
53. Rocky Shitstain Mankiewicz
52. Shakira Tiny-Bites
51. Mayonaisse
50. Betty the Exorcist
49. Atlas Flatshoulders
48. Gin-bucket Greg
47. Philatelist Joey Licks
46. Stinging Polly Papercuts
45. Shanequa Sha-na-na
44. Billy Butterfly Net
43. Nicknameless Norris Shine
42. Sugarhouse Morris the Sapper
41. Zaphod Beeblebrox
40. The Honorable Janis Weedfarmer
39. Nightblind and Snowblind, the Blind twins
38. Marley Mingle
37. Shagrat, Orc of the Ozarks
36. Eustace Feetbeer
35. Benny Twenty-birds
34. Amnesiac Jared Stringy
33. Antigone Spit
32. PomPom the Texas Dancing Dog
31. Yuri Trimble, the Alien Pod Person
30. Sarah Lardblood
29. Beery Clyde the Eunuch
28. Milosz the Anarchist Pupeteer
27. Donna Pina Colada
26. Ursala Bobenfob
25. Jonas Tugboy, Professional Masturbator
24. Cinderfella Dana Dane
23. Kerosene-Soaked Vivian
22. Black Bottle Priam
21. Socks
20. Pinprick Butell
19. Tailstump Gunther
18. Nooney Rockjelly
17. Ambassador Roasting Pan
16. Chuck McKindred: No So Holy, but Very Moley
15. Paula Chiclets
14. Q the Quantum Woman
13. Not-So-Raven
12. Jane the Beekeeper
11. Unpronounceable
10. The Beloved Rebecca Thankyounote
9. Thad Thadly
8. Chiselchin Cathleen Man
7. Candle-Eyed Sally
6. Daphne Zuniga
5. Fran Frijole
4. Hazel Marlborough
3. Not-Racist Whitey
2. Trombone Snout
1. Janet Howard. She was really good.
Notes From the Fire is currently on a 4 or 5 day blog hiatus, to allow Mr. Notes to spend quality time with his mother, who is visiting. Please refer all your business to my friend Duane. Thank you very much. Also, I didn’t take this picture but I love it:
Overheard at work today: one of my servers trying to offer a guest a top-off of coffee, accidentally combining the words “smidgen” and “pinch” and asking the guest if they’d like a pigeon of coffee.
So. That was a pretty insane trip home (and lots of other places). I’m not even sure where to begin. This may end up being a ridiculously long and disjointed blog entry. I apologize in advance. If it ends up not being extremely long and disjointed, I will come back and delete this intro, and you will never read it.
First, I should like to thank my family (Dad, Mom, Sister) for their various forms of hospitality and much-needed displays of unconditional love. Yay human spirit and the familial bond! I feel pretty damn good about my family. You guys rule! And thank you to all my friends who made me feel as if I never moved away. I am blessed beyond belief with deep, intense, loyal friendships! In addition, a big frowny face to those who I had to miss on this trip (most notably, loyal blog reader and renowned Muse, Cory. Little does she know, my next trip home is going to be so all about her, she will have to call the cops on me. And the truly lovely Mercedes, whom I am unabashedly smitten with. Also, on-again-off-again blog reader Tiff, who I had *promised* a certain something to…well, next time, ok???). I was stretched a little thin to do and see everything and everyone I wanted, but it was fairly satisfying nonetheless.
My Zany Itinerary
Let me just show you the zaniness of where I’ve been the last week and a half. I am going to include tomorrow, as I go to Pittsburgh tomorrow for a work seminar. Here’s where I was, for the most part, the last ten days:
3/25: Erie, PA/ Carlisle, PA
3/26: Carlisle, PA/ Asbury Pary, NJ
3/27: Mantua, NJ
3/28: Brooklyn, NY/ Newark, NJ
3/29: Manhattan, NY/ Mantua, NJ
3/30: Mantua, NJ/ Carlisle, PA
3/31: Carlisle, PA
4/1: Carlisle, PA
4/2: Carlisle, PA/ Erie, PA
4/3: Erie, PA
4/4: Pittsburgh, PA
4/5: Pittsburgh, PA/ Erie, PA
And I aint even tired yet. Bring. It. On.
My Newville Tour
Early on in my trip, I had a little extra time to kill early in the morning, and I drove into Newville (the small town I grew up in) and walked around the town for the first time in many years (I have been there plenty as of late, but not actually walked around). I took some pictures of major landmarks in my life, also making sure to get a few pictures of some of the places that have played large parts in some of my blog entries. Here is a bit of a pictorial tour of Newville:
My first house, 66 Big Spring Avenue. My bedroom was the top two windows on the right of the picture.
I have been trying to upload the famous picture of my mother and I admiring my grandmother’s garden, but I am having some trouble, so here is a link to that picture on Facebook. And here is a picture of that back yard area today:
One of my most popular blog entries ever was “The Fruit that Ate Itself“, about me being bullied in a local church yard. I snapped some pics of that area in current day:
The church yard itself.
The line of trees is where the dreaded swingset and slide had been.
The Senior Center where the "fight" ended. Those are the bushes I flew through in the climactic moment.
If you’ve read my blog entry “Down the Rabbit Hole“, you may be interested to see this cellar door on one of my childhood neighbor’s homes:
OK, so just a few more pics here, but not related to any previous blog, just some Seth-historic stuff:
The very spot where I got on a school bus for the very first time.
This was my corner when I was a crossign guard.
Friendies
I had almost too much fun with friendies to try to sum things up here. I’ll hit some highlights:
I surprised Kate with my presence not once but twice, and she lost. her. shit. each time. First, Michael and I surprised her at her house:
It was also on this visit that this picture of Michael happened:
A few days later, I was strolling through Carlisle wasting a few minutes before picking up another friend, when I came across Kate and her family at the local eatery The Green Room. As I was leaving them I took this pic of Kate, her husband Matt, and their son Dylan:
Let me just take this moment to say, as I was strolling around Carlisle that night, I was struck by just how freaking cool of a town it is. Those of you who still live there, please do not take it for granted. First, it is totally adorable. And such a great pedestrian town! And for a relatively small town in central Pennsylvania, it is arts-friendly. Open mic nights, free music, poetry readings, public displays of photography, and on and on, are quite common. The area known as the square and the surrounding blocks are humming with a vibrant intellectual life (not to mention some fantastic cuisine). Please partake of what the gem of a town has to offer!
My brief time with Burke was spent in some fairly intense conversation that may, in fact, make me think about my life differently. Oh, and Johnny Depp is a fucking sellout.
I spent some truly hilarious time with Jenny. Jenny is quickly becoming a Major Friend. (if her name is unfamiliar to you, this was the last woman to be an “official girlfriend”…and if my hunch is true– that I am a lifetime bachelor– she may go down in the history books as the last woman to be an official Seth girlfriend…what a distinction!). Anyway, I sure do love this woman. She has the special ability to make me laugh until I am worried about my health…without saying anything. She has a non-verbal humor akin to Kramer. She can just look at me and I lose my shit. Here we are, loving life:
Of course, you know I saw Michael, and it resulted in a moment of hilarity that I am pretty sure you “had to be there” for, but we decided that Merle Haggard had at one point recorded the “classic” song “You’re Gonna Make Daddy Fart (and Momma Aint Gonna Be Happy)”. I still laugh when I type that.
Mary and I had one helluva time trying to find parking in downtown Harrisburg—notable because it’s usually not THAT hard. Sure, those few blocks in the very center of town are tough, but we were unable to find ANY spots on the street ANYWHERE. When we finally did park (in a garage) we ended up just hanging around Strawberry Square , when in fact we had intended to go to the Susquehanna Art Museum. I’m still not sure in the least how this distraction occurred, but we had a blast. But the major news from this venture is that Mary has OK’d some photographs of herself! You may or may not know that pictures of Mary are quite rare. She just hates pictures of herself, and of course I love taking pictures of people, so this is a friction. Plus, she really is one of the most exquisite women in existence, so I always feel as though the world in general is being deprived of some joy by the absence of Mary pictures. When I take a Mary picture, I have to show her, wheneupon she then either insists on immediate deletion, OKs the picture for my own personal collection but not anyone else’s eyes, or (the most rare) OKs a picture for online distribution. So here, lucky world, are 4 new Mary pictures:
That's the back of Mary's head in the lower right.
Staying at Dad’s
It is with much chagrin that I realize I did not take a single picture of my papa and me on this trip. *sad face* Nonetheless, I must say, spending time with my dad just gets more and more pleasant as the two of us age. It never stops surprising me how we continue to grow into friends (while he retains his essential papa-ness). He is one cool dude and we somehow never run out of things to talk about.
This also marked the first time in recent memory that I have stayed at Dad’s for multiple days without my sister also being there. In this sense it was entirely unique. The last time I stayed at my dad’s by myself for more than one night was way back when I was still drinking and on-again, off-again living there. So this was new, and really, really great. In a lot of ways, it felt like a true homecoming, learning how that house and I interact when I’m a grown-up, and sober, and left all alone with it. Turns out we get along just fine. And I sleep magnificently in my old bedroom. But it’s tough getting used to that shower again.
Hey Rosetta!
I’m gonna really have to shrink down the Hey Rosetta! story, or I’ll be here all day. So, in summary:
Here are pictures from Paul and I’s show in Asbury Park, NJ. It was a fantastic time, both Paul-wise (Paul, thanks for helping me see that not all my close friends have to be women!) and band-wise. Really, one of the more satisfying concert-going experiences I’ve had.
Then, I made an audible call and went to see them by myself twice more over the next three days, in New York City (more on NYC later). Long story short, I ended up basically knowing the band. But they started talking to me. I suppose when you are a band that is really famous and successful in Canada, and then you come to the states and are playing bars where most of the people are ignoring you, and there is a short fat guy with gray hair jumping around and screaming your lyrics, when he shows up to your NEXT show in a different state, it is worth taking note. So as I was taking this picture of the chalk board advertising their show in Brooklyn, a few of the band members were walking out of the bar and saw me and introduced themselves.
Because shows like this entail a lot of waiting around (if you insist, like I do, on front row) in small bars with no “backstage” area for bands, as well as lots of changing-out of gear between bands (not to mention trips to very small bathrooms), the two shows in New York would prove extremely fertile ground for me talking to the band. This went way beyond my previous “thank you, your music has meant so much to me” that I’ve been able to give other bands. This was basically a getting-to-know-you situation. Specifically cellist Romesh Thavanathan, lead guitarist Adam Hogan, and violinist Kinley Dowling spoke quite a bit to me and I was definitely on a first-name basis with them by the end of my second New York show, and I’d had a chance to speak to every member of this six-piece band. Certainly, this was fairly incredible, but also….in some ways, not as great as you’d think. Parts of this experience were awkward. I may blog more about this at some point, just because it was pretty intriguing (ever have your favorite band watch you as they are playing?) But don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It was an amazing experience. Here is a video I took of “Red Song” at Union Hall in Park Slope, Brooklyn, followed by a few select pictures of the New York shows:
I also managed to snag handwritten setlists off the stage two of the three nights. Here are scans of the setlists:
So now, for the benefit of probably just myself and maybe Paul, here is some Hey Rosetta! setlist discussion: on the first setlist shown, Bandages was skipped. On the second shown (from my thrid concert, Manhattan) ‘Bandages’ and ‘Red Heart’ were swapped in position (as were the two songs where a swap is indicated, ‘Yer Spring’ and ‘Welcome’…and talk about a way to open a show! “Lions For Scottie” into “Welcome”!) Here are all three setlists for shows I went to this tour:
Asbury Park, NJ
1. New Goodbye
2. Yer Spring
3. New Glass
4. Bricks
5. Another Pilot
6. There’s an Arc
7. Seeds
8. Red Heart
1. New Goodbye
2. Yer Spring
3. New Glass
4. Bricks
5. Another Pilot
6. There’s an Arc
7. Welcome
8. Red Song
9. We Made a Pact
10. Seeds
11. Red Heart
12. A Thousand Suns*
*’Bandages’ is on the setlist in the 12 spot, but ‘A Thousand Suns’ was played.
Manhattan, NY
1. Lions For Scottie
2. Welcome
3. Yer Spring
4. New Glass
5. Yer Fall
6. There’s an Arc
7. I’ve Been Asleep For a Long, Long Time
8. Holy Shit
9. New Sum
10. Seeds
11. New Goodbye
Encore:
1. Bandages
2. Red Heart
And now, for the record, the sum total of Hey Rosetta! songs I’ve seen, including the two acoustic shows I saw last year:
1. Red Heart–5 times
2. Bricks–4 times
3. I’ve Been Asleep For a Long, Long Time–3 times
4. Lions for Scottie–3 times
5. Bandages–3 times
6. New Goodbye–3 times
7. Yer Spring–3 times
8. New Glass–3 times
9. There’s an Arc–3 times
10. Seeds–3 times
11. Seventeen–2 times
12. Red Song–2 times
13. We Made a Pact–2 times
14. Another Pilot–2 times
15. Welcome–2 times
16. A Thousand Suns–1 time
17. Yer Fall–1 time
18. Holy Shit–1 time
19. New Sum–1 time
Mom’s/ Sisters
So my mom now lives with my sister, which makes visiting everybody much easier! It was quite nice to see everybody all at once! In the same breath, however, I must admit it made me feel as though I did a poor job of paying ample attention to everyone. When you are seeing a gaggle of loved ones all at once for the first time in a long time, it can be a strain to give equal time. I think specifically of the nephews, who I love uncontrollably but whom I was not able to give the sort of attention they are accustomed to receiving from me. When it came down to it, my mom and my sister were the center of my focus (not to mention the antics of Pumpkin Latte). Don’t get me wrong, I had a lovely time! I guess I’m just feeling some guilt, cause those boys worked up a good amount of anticipation for my arrival and I almost certainly dissapointed. That being said, the time with Momma and Sis was marvelous. LOTS of laughs, and a new momma/ son tradition: I claim her and I are going to do the Jumble together, and then I end up freaking out over how amazing she is at it, while I add absolutely nothing to the process (she really is amazing at the Jumble). Also, I “T”d my sister, which always rules. A brief but incredibly heartwarming time. Some select pics:
Sister and Pumpkin Latte, as she was taking their picture
Sis, Me, Mom
New York
The New York trip is another thing I shall have to gloss over, or I’ll be writing this blog entry until next week. I did what I typically do: I drive right into the city, pay a thousand dollars to park, and just walk around. I usually have very little plan other than one or two fairly simple goals. This trip’s goals: see sunrise from inside Central Park, and buy a New York Times from a newsstand and read the whole thing from inside a midtown Manhattan Starbucks during the morning commute hours. I’m not sure why I wanted to do these things, but once the goals were in my mind, I could not seem to let them go. I accomplished both, and although being in Central Park during sunrise was magical, it was not easy to get any great pictures of the event, due to the vast amount of:
a) Tall trees, and
b) skyscrapers
These things blocked the view of the actual sunrise rather effectively, but feeling the world come alive from within the park was quite joyous. Here is the best picture I got of the sunrise:
I spent almost two hours in the Starbucks, enjoying my latte and an incredible issue of the NYT. I suppose for a moment I felt as hip as I’ve always suspected I am. It was a quality time.
I spent the rest of the day wandering around, taking pictures, eating, even napping briefly in the tranquil section of Central Park known as the Woodlands. I also visited, for the first time, the Central Park Zoo, which was a lovely treat. Here is some video I took of the Sea Lions being fed (and putting on a little show) followed by some pictures:
Sunset, Brooklyn
Me in Central Park
Some Things I Learned
1. 8 months is not long enough to forget how to get around (but it IS long enough to cause some occasional navigation confusion)
2. When you are a single man in your 30s who moves away from everyone he knows and doesn’t visit home for 8 months, a surprising amount of people from all demographics will just straight-up ask you about your sex life. This is fodder for an entire blog entry at some point that will be in the form of a “rant”. FYI, nobody need worry about my sex life, mkay?
3. You may think where you live is boring, but leave it for a little while and then come back; you may just find it’s really cool.
4. There are really hot ladies everywhere.
5. Don’t tell people you got fat. You may think it will make your fatness less awkward, but it makes it moreso.
6. Things change. Buildings get knocked down, businesses change their name, streets get re-directed. Accept these things as a natural course of existence. (reminds me of a Hey Rosetta! song: “The schools that we went to have all been closed./ And all of my teachers are dead, I suppose.”)
7. You can walk further than you think you can.
8. If you move and your sports allegiances change a little bit, you can just kinda keep that to yourself on your first few visits home.
9. As you leave places you have stayed for just a day or two, remember to gather all your various “chargers”. We have a lot of chargers in this day and age.
10. Family and friends really are the best things in the world, even if saying so sounds cheesy and cliche. Fuck it, it’s true!
I Almost Forgot…
Today is my 8 year sobriety anniversary! The original purpose of this vacation was for me to have off and see my loved ones leading up to the big day. (I just have to complete my anniversary tradition of watching “Dark Days” on the anniversary itself) So…yay me! But also…yay you! Thanks everybody for putting up with my horribleness when I was horrible, and then helping me live such a satisfying and fantastic life in my sobriety! What a treat, to be able to celebrate the week leading up to it in the way I did. And how neat is it that I almost forgot today was the day??? That must mean life is pretty good. I love you, everybody!
I’ve recently been introduced to the Woot family of websites. These websites are a handful of sites that sell one item a day. Woot.com (the original) sells, typically, an electronics item. Check out today’s woot. The success of woot spawned some mini-versions, like t-shirt woot, which sells one t-shirt a day.
Anyway, I tell you about this not because I think you need to buy things from woot (I did recently buy a new digital camera from woot.com however, but it hasn’t shipped yet), but because these websites maintain one of the most interesting and hilarious tones of any business I’ve ever encountered. They’re funny and snarky and, at times, almost mean. It is a sales business with a limited audience, as some people just will not get it.
For instance, I just got an e-mail from them regarding my recent order. Here is some text from the e-mail (which is basically introducing me to woot):
Once the item ships out, you can access your tracking data by going to Your Account and clicking on the order number. If you have a problem receiving your order, or you receive the wrong item, contact service@woot.com. If you receive your item and it doesn’t work, contact the manufacturer first. They made the junk. Let them deal with it. If they turn out to be total tools, contact service@woot.com and we’ll grudgingly provide some further assistance. If you receive your item and decide you don’t like it, take it to eBay or pawn it off on one of your so-called friends. We don’t want it, either. That goes for Woot.com and all of the sites in the Woot.com family. There’s some specific stuff you might want to know about each of the others. And here it comes now.
Shirt.woot – Check the size chart, check the size chart, check the size chart. It’s at the bottom of the product description for each sale. If you order the wrong size, we won’t take it back – your only option is to gain or lose weight so it fits, possibly including painful, costly cosmetic surgery. If you want your overnight order the next day, place it by noon Central time. International orders generally take about 3- 4 weeks to arrive. Looking for an old shirt design? If you’re lucky, it’ll still be for sale via our Reckoning page. If you’re somewhat less lucky, it might turn up as one of our weekly Shirt.Woot Classics. If you think your one-year-old can design a better shirt, encourage your one-year-old to enter the Derby, our weekly design competition. That $1,000 prize can buy a lot of Binkies.
Wine.woot – First, don’t get your hopes up: wine orders can only be shipped to certain states, so read the entire list of eligible states before you print up the invitations to your wine party and place your order. Ineligible orders will be cancelled and refunded. If you do complete your order and receive the tracking data, make sure you give it some time to update. It won’t be uncommon for it to take a little while for real, actual data to show up. You might call the data “late” – we prefer to think of it as “aged”.
Kids.woot – Keep in mind that Kids.Woot is a site that sells childrens’ products, not necessarily a place you’d want your kids hanging out. We make every effort to monitor the content and activity in our message boards, but you should approach Kids.Woot with the same circumspection you’d bring to any other adult-oriented site. Well, not “adult-oriented” in the nasty sense. We just mean it’s for mature audiences only. But not “mature” as in- ah, forget it, you know what we mean.
OK, it’s me, Seth, again. I mean, right? That is some good stuff! Can you imagine another internet retailer sending that message? And if you click on the link to woot and check out today’s deal, you’ll see that thier description is usually pretty insane (or at least inane). Here is today’s description of wireless iPod speakers (I admit I am even a little lost with this one):
Can’t Have Your Pi And Eat It Too
I had this whole Pi Day thing planned just for today and what do I get? Speakers. Wireless sports speakers.
Oh, man, it was going to be so great, too. You guys would’ve loved it if the product had been one of those HDTVs or digital camcorders or silly robot vacuums we always seem to have scooting around this place. I begged, PLEADED with The Monkeys At The Top, “PLEASE give me Monday’s writeup. I’m gonna rock it, I’m telling you. There’s gonna be math, baked goods, references to obscure mathematicians EATING baked goods… It’s going to be sweet! HA! ‘Sweet!’ Get it?! This thing’s gold. Gold, I tell you!”
For weeks, I planned this thing. Every little detail was meticulously orchestrated into a symphony of madcap hilarity. I even planned for the dreaded “toothbrush sanitizer scenario” just in case that devil’s product reared its head. I thought of everything. Or at least, I THOUGHT I thought of everything. Wait, is that… No, that’s right.
I see now where I messed up. It was when I was dancing about in the Sales Setup room and talking about how rad today was going to be. Decided to have a little fun with me, eh? Decided I had grown a little too big for my britches, did you? Is that why you decided to throw me for a loop and schedule cy-fi Wireless Sport Speaker for iPod or Bluetooth?
Well, congrats. You’ve broken me. Nothing that I had planned for today works with these. Nothing. It doesn’t matter if they’re Red, Black, or Silver. What good are these to pie-eating mathematicians? ALL THEY KNOW IS MATH AND PIE. What are they going to do? Rock out to some kind of crazy Crust-Core Math-Rock band?
And the two different types don’t even do the same things! The Bluetooth version lets you make calls with a speaker-phone function and uses Bluetooth A2DP. Meanwhile, the iPod speakers use Kleer Wireless technology and have a slightly longer battery life. That’s, like, two different write-ups right there!
What gives, Sales Setup? I thought we were tight. I thought we meant something to each other, you and I. But this? This is a smack in the face to everything my Pi Day loving heart ever stood for. I hope you’re happy.
Hey, it’s Seth again. Crazy, right??? And I remember, what caught my eye about the digital camera I ended up buying from woot.com was the blurb next to the picture of the camera: “The world’s first unisex digital camera…or at least the first one we’re going to advertise that way.” It blew my mind! It’s just a regular digital camera!
Anyway, it was blowing my mind so I thought I’d share.
My homeslice Kyle just made and posted this HILARIOUS video. He’s a true talent. Watch and pass it on to your bretheren, let’s make it a YouTube sensation!
(as a reminder, don’t watch this using Internet Explorer; yes, even WordPress now knows there’s a problem with IE and YouTube playing via embedding. Any other browser seems to be fine, though)
Someone pointed out to me a few days ago the very true fact that I have an incredible family. This is a fact I am quite well aware of, but perhaps not often appreciative enough for. Now, this is not going to be some lovey-dovey blog about how important family is, how well I feel my parents raised me (which, for the record, I think is very, very well)…I am more talking about the fact that all three members of my nuclear family are just plain cool. They are freakin’ rad people, and I just don’t think a whole lot of people are blessed with such a situation. I could take a lengthy road trip with any of them and have a freakin’ awesome time. Here are a few words about why each of them are so incredible (in the alphabetical order of their familial title):
Dad:
My freakin’ Dad is totally hilarious. Genuinely. Not in that, “Oh hey man, you’ve got a funny Dad” kinda way, but in that “Holy shit, that dude was freaking funny!” kinda way. He’s got a humor that is smart, but also cheesy, but he knows it’s cheesy so it’s always in a wink and smile sort of way. Dad also contemplates life in ways that often challenge me to re-evaluate my own worldview. He has an open dialogue about memory, death, religion, the past, the future. This dilaogue is an invaluable asset to a son; couple such serious topics with a rockin’ sense of humor and you have one helluva cool man! And Dad stays very up-to-date on the state of the world, current affairs, politics, etc. And he’s totally liberal! (yes, liberal is cool. Sorry to my one conservative reader, if you”re still out there…but it makes you just a tiny bit less cool) Way to be cool Daddio!
Mom:
My freakin’ Mom is totally amazing. Here is a woman who was simply born with the ability to figure things out. Literally anything can happen and within hours she will know which paperwork you need, or which office to go to, or whatever whatever. She has an innate sense of how. And this woman can be damn funny! (you’ll see a theme here; from my blog you may not think of me as funny, but I come from a hilarious family and in person I am quite a cut-up. It comes from these parents!). Mom often has me rolling on the floor with just a few choice words. She’s also an avid reader, which I think is super-cool. Also: very liberal. See Dad’s section for my thoughts on the coolness of liberalism. Momma: way to be cool!
Sister:
My freakin’ sister is totally cool. Like the rest of my family, she is completely hilarious. I suppose it’s no mystery that her humor is most like my own (with a strong bent toward actual nonsense). She is extremely self-reflective (badass trait), likes super cool music and movies (our tastes don’t perfectly match but they intersect in interesting places), she likes to write, attend concerts, “Dexter”…ok listen, obviously, we’re a lot alike, but different enough to make us clear individuals (for instance, she likes “The Amazing Race”….gross). Oh, and she’s an amazing mother, who is using the rockin’ childhood we were given to raise her children even more freakin’ cool than we are! Plus, she’s liberal! Way to be cool, Sis!
My family is so freakin’ cool! I challenge you to come up with a cooler family than the Dellaiellamstsfields!
1. I just don’t understand baths. I mean, you can scrub-a-dub yourself until you’re red all over, but at the end of the day, you’re still sitting in the dirty water. You may smell and look clean afterward, but I suspect that’s an illusion. Now, I sometimes take a bath for relaxation purposes (I have a TV and DVD player in my bathroom, too), but before I get out, I turn on the shower and actually clean myself. Thoughts?
2. It’s been a somewhat annoying year to start paying attention to sports again. Pennsylvania teams made it to the World Series, the Stanley Cup Championship, and the Super Bowl—and lost all three. Granted, I’m sure just about any area of the country would like to have those problems, but it has also been rather annoying.
3. I’m addicted to this. You should be too. HILARIOUS:
4. I was strolling the local Wegmans late at night a few nights ago (Wegmans is an upscale supermarket) when I came across gummy army guys. Maybe I’m late to the party on this, but this is the best form of TOYS that BECOME candy ever!!! I must admit, I ate a pound in 24 hours. (that’s really not as disgusting as it sounds) I can’t quite place the flavor, but I suspect it is apple. Anyone else have experience with this?
5. I very recently came across my first exciting vinyl “find” in quite some time. Perusing the local independent record store, which usually does not have any “indie rock” among it’s paltry selection of new vinyls, I found The National’s new album, High Violet, which I love LOVE LOVE, and I picked it up for less than the used copies are selling for on eBay. And it is a very handsome product. Check it:
Front cover...a work of art unto itself.
Folded open: a picture of two of the band members, NEITHER of whom is the lead singer. I count that as badass.
Open with both sleeves pulled out...even more badass.
Notes From the Fire 
