Last-Minute Christmas Gifts You Could Get Me That Would (probably) Not Enrage Me

1.  A shoehorn, large, preferably cherry, with the carved face of a president, preferably Lincoln or earlier.

2.  Really, really dark lamp shades.

3.  A gallon of purest cardamom.

4.  A monocle.  Non-prescription.

5.  Extra-virgin Pepsi.

6.  Hip waders.

7.  Four scalpels.  Don’t ask.

8.  An Etruscan diary.

9.  An honorary degree.

10.  Spanglish rice.

11.  A chimera.

12.  Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap.

13.  Tickets to anything Penn and Teller.

14.  Frank frank bo bank, banana fana fo fank, me my mo mank, FRANK

15.  The sound barrier

16.  A bridge over trouble water and/or the River Kwai.

17.  Mens Rea

18.  Tippecanoe.  And possibly Tyler.

19.  That other dude who’s in The Black Eyed Peas

20.  Nobody puts baby in a corner.