I Can’t Quit

When I quit drinking, I substituted caffeine for alcohol.  That wasn’t quite enough so I substituted buying Pearl Jam bootlegs for alcohol, as well.  And then I subsituted working extra hours for alcohol, as well.  And then I ran out of Pearl Jam bootlegs to buy so I substituted DVDs for Pearl Jam bootlegs.  And things still weren’t enough so I substituted sex for alcohol.  And then I tried to quit caffeine so I substituted lifting weights for caffeine.  But I still wanted alcohol so I substituted going to concerts for alcohol.  And I got tired of lifting weights so I substituted hiking for that.  And then I got re-addicted to caffeine.  And then I was having too much sex so I substituted eating for sex.  And then concerts were getting too expensive so I substituted going to the movies for concerts.  And then it was winter so I couldn’t hike so I substituted more eating for that.  And then I tried to quit caffeine again so I substituted going to concerts for that.  And then it was spring so I substituted hiking for going to concerts.  And then I got addicted to caffeine again.  And then I quit smoking and I substituted eating for that.  And then I was eating too much so I substituted working out for that.  But I did too much too fast so I had to substitute even more caffeine for working out.  And then I started eating again.  And I’m still buying a ton of DVDs.  I can’t quit.